No TItle Needed

“But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all of the scars will have scars, and that’s all I’ll be–one big scar of a love gone wrong.”
Amanda Grace, But I Love Him

 

I do not think I will ever be OK.  I’ve been hurt and done too much hurting for my soul to ever recover.

My doctor told me it’s quite possible that being on as many opiates for as long as I was, could have irrevocably changed my brain chemistry.  I may have made my brain so dependent on the euphoria that opiates bring that I will never produce seratonin the way a brain is supposed to produce seratonin – to the point that seratonin-producing drugs aren’t even working.

My dad thinks it’s a spiritual thing.  He’s a tried & true AA-er and true enough, AA saved his life.  God worked thru the people he’s met in AA in amazing ways, and for that I am grateful.

But I have an anger towards God.  I have been a mostly devout Christian (in that I believe in God & Jesus is His son and all the standard tenants Christianity touts..) most of my life and at some point (probably right around the time I started fearing for my life at the hands of someone I loved) resentment started growing.  Towards myself for not leaving – most definitely.  I take the brunt of responsibility for what happened to me, even moreso than the person who did what he did.  But on the other hand, I blame God on some for not protecting me.  That’s a promise in the Bible if I remember correctly – God’s protection.  And I KNOW, there are many, MANY people who’ve gone thru worse than I have, who say that it was God’s protection (and love and whatever) that brought them THRU it, but I don’t feel that either.  I don’t feel God’s presence AT ALL in my life anymore, and I’m sure that, too, is my doing.  I’m sure I’ve pushed Him out, given up, thrown in the towel that I even deserve His love or protection.  “They” say God never leaves you, that it’s you that leaves, and – so – I guess I’ve done that.

There’s so much sadness in my heart, and it is always there.  It may temporarily hide out on occasion, just long enough for me to wonder if maybe I’ve done my time and am absolved of all my wrongdoings.  And just when I think maybe there’s hope, maybe I do see that light – waaaaaay down there at the end of the tunnel, that sadness jumps back in and says “HAHA bitch, yeah RIGHT!”

The things that have transpired over the last 6-7 years have demolished me.  My soul is broken and I don’t see any way back.

Annoyance of the Day

You know what I hate?  Those FB memes that show an abused child or, in today’s latest, a child cowering in the corner of a couch with a picture of a hand holding a belt, clearly the person holding said belt took the picture…I’m assuming trying to be “artistic” or “controversial” or “edgy.”

But, it’s not even the actual picture (and you can insert sad looking animal, soldiers in less than favorable conditions, the list goes on AD NAUSEUM.  It’s the caption on the picture (and I’m using the child abuse meme I saw today) that says, “Share if you’re against child abuse.  Keep scrolling if YOU’D LOVE TO SEE HIM BEATEN.”

Um.  OK.  First of all, meme creator, I’m pretty sure everyone EXCEPT child abusers are against child abuse.  Second of all, REALLY?  A guilt trip if I decide not to share the 1,000th meme that shows up on my wall?  I actually felt bad CONTINUING TO SCROLL and I have been known to share my fair share of memes on FB.

Same thing goes for the religious memes.  “Share if you love Jesus, keep scrolling if you are a SATAN WORSHIPER.”  I love me some Jesus.  Do I want to share 900 “I love Jesus” memes?  No.

This is the modern day version of those awful email chain letters we used to receive constantly.  “Forward this email to 10 people and just WAIT to see what blessings will be stowed upon you!  Don’t forward this email and PREPARE FOR IMMINENT DEATH!”

Seriously, the people that create these need to be lined up & beaten.  “Share” if you agree!!!  Don’t share and it means you want to receive all 1,468 memes I’ve received today!  :)

Indisposable

I read something today that said, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy” and it got me thinking.  Rather than thinking of myself as disposable, as I have for so long, I need to flip the script and think about how every instance I can think of where I either left something/someone or was left by someone – it was FOR THE BETTER.  It may not have felt like it at the time, but ultimately it was meant to be.

Rather than thinking myself disposable, it’s time I think of myself as smart.

Bad Blogger!

I really suck at this blogging thing now.  My previous blogs were updated almost daily, and I remember many of the posts actually being FUNNY and not all “Whoa” and “Addiction” and romantic tales gone wrong.

I once reworded Jay Z’s 99 Problems to tailor our office at a previous employer that rhymes with Smishmuhver Card.

Man, I was creative.

There’s really not a whole lot new to report.  I’ve been back to work from medical leave for 3 weeks and we are going thru a buyout of our company, 200 people have been let go (when they said personnel wouldn’t be too affected), we’ve had 3 reorganizations since my medical leave started in February, I am on my FOURTH boss this year, one who hasn’t given our team’s directive yet so we’re all basically doing nothing.  Normally, I don’t mind if you want to pay me to surf the net OCCASIONALLY in between projects or when I just need a break but – OH the days go by so horrifically slow when you have nothing to do for NINE HOURS. 

My entire day goes something like this:

Hey!  It’s 10:45am, I’ll go check Facebook.

**Checking FB updates**

**Leave a couple comments here & there**

**Oh that meme is funny, I’ll share it with my friends!**

OK, it’s gotta be after 11:00 now, right?  10:47.  DAMMIT!!!

With regards to the romantic front, I did decide to end things with Scott #2.  I ultimately decided it just wasn’t fair to him to not really be vested in the relationship when he clearly was thinking FUTURE FUTURE FUTURE WITH ME!  The nail in the coffin?  He asked me to go to his brother’s surprise birthday party a few weeks ago…I know his brother, we’re cool, so I went.  His brother’s girlfriend hired RAY’S BAND to play the event.

That?  Was not fun.

And while I have no interest in getting back together with Ray, and that will not change, it did make me realize I am not anywhere close to being “over him” either.

So, yeah.  I’m single.

In other news, my best friend & her boyfriend just found out they are pregnant (with her FOURTH child, his first) and, so, I am going to be a Godmother for the first time!  She has 3 boys from her ex husband who terrorize her on a daily basis, so of course I would be remiss if I didn’t constantly poke fun at the fact that she’s probably going to have another boy.  Also, she’s only a little over a month along and is already showing (skinny little bitch) so I get to also throw in some “Maybe it’s TWIN BOYS” comments just to really piss her off.

Good times!!!

Recovery

If you’re here, you know I am a recovering opiate addict.  I’m about 8 months clean of Vicodin, Norco, Percocet and Dilaudid – an opiate cocktail I’m lucky did not kill me, and coming off them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Harder than what I went thru with my year long abuse with Chuck.  Harder than dealing with sexual abuse, harder than living every day feeling like you’re not good enough for no apparent reason other than just being on earth.

When you add to that that I am still in excruciating pain every day, only now I can’t take anything for it – it makes it that much harder, life – I mean.

My dad recently celebrated a year sober from alcohol – a huge feat and one we are extraordinarily proud of him regarding. The thing is, for HIM – fighting his demons and not drinking anymore, there’s been palpable, obvious results.  He’s happier, he’s thinking clearer, he’s GLAD he quit drinking and you can see it in him.

I found out today from my mom that because I am not the same happy-go-lucky, everything is better person that he’s become in his sobriety with MY sobriety, he thinks I’m still taking pills.

You guys, you have NO idea how much this hurts.  I fight every single day with the pain I have to live with because *I* realized ON MY OWN what a problem to opiates I was developing and decided for myself to quit.  My doctors told me after  my spinal surgery that the nerve damage was so severe, I should be prepared to need to be medicated for the rest of my life.  I could STILL go to the doctor and go BACK on the opiates at any time AND I DON’T because I can’t take them as prescribed and I know this about myself.

I suffer from a wealth of health problems including depression, low blood pressure, asthma, etc.., and being on opiates not only helped my pain but made me happy (duh – that’s what opiates do is give you a sense of euphoria).  I have been miserable since coming off them, but the dependency on them, the financial hardships acquiring them put me thru, and the subsequent coming off of them were so horrific – I’m not even tempted to go back on them.  I would rather live in pain, every single day, than take another pain pill.

For my dad to not only think that I’m still taking them, but not talk to ME about that but rather discuss this behind my back….. oh, you guys….. I can’t tell you how upset this makes me.

Every single day is a battle for me, EVERY SINGLE DAY, the last thing I need is one of my parents against me.

2 Steps Forward, 194 Back

You may remember a few posts back, where I went on & on about my new guy and how great things were going.

And they were. They were going really well. Too well, one might say. From our first date he “claimed me” off the market, our connection was palpable immediately. We went from dating to almost married (not literally, just as far as comfortability) within the span of a couple months. Hindsight being 20/20, I guess it was too fast.

He lost his job due to some (already preexisting) problems with his boss. They got into it, his boss let him go. He called me on his way home, said if I wanted to come over, to please feel free. Immediately I was comforting, I told him we’d work thru it, I told him he’d get thru it – I was supportive and optimistic and everything he needed.

He owned his home and lots of “boy toys” including a corvette, a nice pickup truck, 4 wheelers, he had very nice things. When he and his wife divorced last year, he bought her out of her half of the house rather than selling it, so the plethora of changes their 2 children would go thru, losing the only home they’d ever known would not be one of them.

I am SURE he was stressed. He didn’t let on that he was stressed. I mean, he definitely knew he needed to find something else right away, but never indicated that he was concerned or scared or whatever.

During the time we were together, he spent a fair amount of money on me. We did lots of eating out, ordering in, going to the races for his racecar (which was expensive), going out, etc.., but never at MY recommendation. It was always his suggestions, he knew me being off work on medical leave, my finances were – challenging. I was perfectly fine with cooking him dinner (which I did 3-4 nights a week – I’d cook dinner at my house and BRING it to his house for him when he got home from work so it was one less thing he’d have to do…) and watching movies or sports on TV at night.

He introduced me to his kids, I was the first woman that happened with. His son is 9, daughter is 3…they both seemed to like me (especially the daughter) and there were no weird issues there (other than HIM feeling a little strange, which I completely get as I feel the same when I introduce someone to Haley).

So, perhaps you’ll be as perplexed as I was when, a few days after he lost his job – he just stopped calling. He blocked me on Facebook, didn’t return texts or calls. It was as if he just dropped off the face of the earth.

Now, had we just been on a few dates and this happened – whatever – no big deal. Hell, I’ve played the disappearing act in those circumstances a few times. But we were TOGETHER. It was official, we were a couple in the beginning of a relationship and he just completely blew me off without so much as a “this isn’t working”.

Now, I’m friends with his cousin on FB, and she was just as surprised as I was about this. At first, we were both concerned about his wellbeing….what if he was in a car accident, what if there was a home invasion, WHO KNOWS? She suggested I stop by his house, living only a few minutes away, but if he really was blowing me off (as the FB block indicated to me) then I AM NOT THAT GIRL. She attempted to reach him and also could not, was met with unreturned calls, etc..,

So she turned to her brother, whom he is very close with and her brother confirmed he’s fine – he’d just talked to him as a matter of fact.

Nice.

So, whatever, I got blown off – didn’t know why but – sometimes these things happen. It hurt, I’ll admit it. I found him sexy as hell, I liked SO MANY things about him, I saw a future with him. He helped me to get past the whole Ray thing (I’d been on a few other dates with a few other people and no one could get me to get RAY out of my head but Scott….) but – you know – it was only a couple months, not 10 years so – onward & upward and all that.

His cousin and I remained friends. We texted here & there, communicated often on FB (rarely about him…) and decided we were going to remain friends regardless.

Now that it’s been a couple months, I sent her a message a couple days ago and said “Hey, no details needed but…just wanted to check with you & see how Scott’s doing, make sure he’s ok….?” to which she responded that she really hadn’t talked to him much but was going to her brother’s house that night and would casually bring it up and see what she could find out, all incognito & whatnot.

I have a thing on my FB that shows who I have either defriended or blocked, or who has done the same to me – and today? SHE DEFRIENDED ME!!!!

I literally have NO CLUE what I did to deserve this. From him, losing his job, freaking out over how close we were getting, WHATEVER his reasoning was – whatever. But now for HER to cut off communication too has me thinking that there’s obviously SOMETHING there that they are thinking about me that I have no idea about (I did NOTHING wrong in the relationship….that I know of…) and it’s driving me insane wondering what the hell it could possibly be.

She is NOT the type of girl that he could say “I don’t want you to be friends with her anymore so stop it.” and have her listen to him, so I know FOR SURE that wasn’t it. So WTF???

I know – bygones – what’s done is done and sometimes people come in and leave your life for reasons you never end up knowing, but it hurts to put your all into something and then be treated with such disrespect that I don’t even get so much as a “See ya!”

Anyhow, so that’s what happened with that Scott.

And I say “that” Scott because a week after all this happened, another Scott friend of mine (whom I’ve known a couple years and he’s always sorta had a little thing for me) expressed his interest and didn’t want to wait and have me “snatched up” like 1st Scott did right after me & Ray split and lose out on his chance again.

Now, 2nd Scott is a little older. He’s 54. The last time this happened was CHUCK and, well, those who know me know how well THAT turned out but…I actually really like older men. They don’t play the games the younger (and by younger, I even include men in their upper 30’s) play and they are just, well, a lot better in, um, different areas as well. Experience and whatnot, shut up.

*Ahem*

Thing is, I don’t feel too much more than friendship with 2nd Scott, and I never have. We’ve always had a really great friendship – him hoping it’d turn into much more, and I’ve tried for the last 2 months to see if it would but it isn’t. I’m not ATTRACTED to him is the problem. He’s the greatest guy. We laugh and talk and he’s sweet and would treat me like a QUEEN, and I just don’t find him attractive.

But on the other hand, this is kinda working for me. After having my heart broken by Ray choosing drugs over me, and then having my heart broken by 1st Scott for WHO KNOWS WHAT, it’s kind of nice not to be emotionally invested whatsoever in this relationship. My heart is safe.

Thing is – is it fair to him? We haven’t discussed where we’re going, no promises for the future have been made, no declarations of how I feel have been said. I know he’s hopeful though and – if there’s no future then – what’s the point? But…still. Maybe this is what I need is a non-emotionally invested relationship for a little bit?

Advice please.