But I Don’t Wanna

In addition to food, exercise and overall health issues, I also struggle with those of the financial nature.  Over the last week, in doing all this introspection, about the whole of it all, I came to realize just how much all of this, all of my major issues in my life all come down to one thing:  self discipline.

I have never really exhibited this attribute that I can think of.  When I do the “right” thing, or make the smart choice, or the responsible one, there has always been a reason behind it other than it being the right thing to do.

When I quit smoking during my pregnancy – I didn’t just do it because it was the right and healthy thing to do.  I did it because I was PREGNANT.  And the moment I was no longer breast feeding any longer?  Back to smoking.

It took me a year to leave an abusive ex, and I didn’t end up doing it because it was the smart thing to do.  Well, I guess I did leave because it was the smart thing to do, but I didn’t RETURN because I finally told my parents what he’d been doing to me and I knew they would hold me accountable.

Me being unable to eat right, and save money and exercise all comes down to a simple lack of self discipline.  It’s like, if I don’t feel like I HAVE to, if there is no one warding over me to do it – I don’t.

Perhaps this is why I’ve always been drawn to strong personalities in friends and boyfriends.  It’s like I’m perpetually stuck at age 15 or something.

But if one has no self discipline, how does one start?  Part of the problem is that I fall in the “But I don’t wanna” box – and I really have no idea how to stop doing this.  With regards to spending money on eating out all the time, my good friend Katjack suggested leaving my debit card at home so that I’m not tempted.  This is a great idea, but how much more awesome would it be if I could just say to myself, “No, I’m not going to stop and get fast food because it’s convenient and I don’t need to spend that $10, I’ll just wait and make something.”  ??????

Wide Load

Yeah, yeah, we’ve established that I’m a bad blogger.  One entry per month does hardly a blogger make, and the last entry was like, what, 100 words maybe?

I have got to get better about this, 9 times out of 10, writing is therapeutic for me.  Sometimes, I don’t even know where a certain way I phrase something comes from, it just sort of shoots out of my fingers and I’m like, “Whoa, that was kinda awesome.” And I don’t mean this in a “toot my own horn” sort of way but more in a, “Holy crap, where did that come from?” way.

Which brings me to the next thing I have got to get better about  – – losing weight.

At my heaviest, I was 248 pounds and a size 22.  Last summer, I was down to 174 and a size 12 and I was ecstatic.  (I just type ecstatic as exstatic.  Then exctatic. WTF is wrong with me?)

During the year that led up to that 174, I almost never ate fast food and only drank an occasional soda.  I  was unemployed and was coming off of spinal surgery and while I was unable to really exercise for several months, I also didn’t have much of an appetite.  And when I did eat, it was almost never processed or frozen or “fast food.”

Don’t get me wrong, I was not living on salads by any stretch of the imagination, I was still eating TONS of yummy food, but just taking the “processed” part out of the equation (just spelled that as: equaSion…omg)  and making stuff from scratch proved to have an enormous result as far as weight loss.  Let me back up from my last statement – my BOYFRIEND making stuff from scratch.

Fast forward almost a year and I am now once again between 190 and 200, and securely in a size 14 (closely sneaking up on being able to loosely wear a 16).  Since I started my new (awesome) job in February, I haven’t cooked but maybe 2 times.  I no longer live with my boyfriend, but rather am currently living with my parents, neither of whom cooks much, if ever.

I have fallen back into the convenience of fast food.  I literally eat out at a minimum – 2 times per day but usually 3.

Not only is this HORRIFIC for overall health and completely detrimental to weight loss, but financially I am spending over $100 a week on eating out (and that is lowballing…)

Thing is, I know all this full well.  Every time I go to bed at night, I think “Ok, tomorrow I’m going to get up early enough to make and eat a bowl of cereal at home.” and what do I do?  Either stop and grab a McSkillet Burrito from McDonalds or a donut/sweetroll from work.

Lunches are either in our cafeteria (and this is probably the closest I come to eating okay as I usually have a turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread with tomato and lite mayo) or they are at McDonalds (Quarter Pounder), Burger King (Whopper Jr. meal), Dairy Queen (double cheeseburger) or Taco Bell (2 bean burritos with sour cream).

Also (ALSO!!!) rather than drinking the almost 8 glasses of water a day that I was FORCING myself to before, I have been drinking MAYBE 1 per day, and the rest of the time it is soda.  Coke or root beer specifically, not even the diet variety!

Here’s my frustration:  knowing what I know, having the knowledge and, now, the PROOF that what I’m doing will do nothing other than make me gain weight and spend money I don’t have – why the HELL don’t I have better will power?

I only had another 20 or so pounds to go, and I would have been at my goal weight – a size 8.

Which brings me to TWO major issues about me:

Thing the first:  Laziness.  This one is easy and pure & simple.  If I weren’t so lazy, I’d get my ass outside to walk after work, or in the morning, or HELL – at lunch time on a FREE TREADMILL at work.  If I weren’t so lazy, I’d get up early enough to make and eat breakfast at home, make myself a healthy lunch, and make something even remotely healthier than McDonalds for dinner.

Thing the Second: Self sabotage.  This one’s not so easy and really dives a lot deeper into my personality than I care to think about right now.  It is something I do in, oh, just about every aspect of my life and is something I have actually covered at great length in therapy.  The one thing I haven’t covered about this?  How to NOT DO IT ANYMORE.  Of COURSE when I only had 20 pounds more to go, and actually looked pretty damn good at 174, I started gaining weight like a freaking woman in her 8th month of pregnancy.  Of COURSE once I started to feel better about myself and actually was PROUD of the weight loss and, low and behold, thought I looked GOOD and was confident for the first time in, um, I don’t even know – I let it all slide.

And I tell myself every day that it isn’t too late.  That just because I’ve put 20 pounds of my weight loss back on, that doesn’t mean I can’t pick up where I left off and make the scale go DOWN rather than up.  I can take that walk, I can NOT go to McDonalds, I can have water instead of soda.

And then I cave.

So, how does one get past these issues?  I mean, I actually think the laziness is easier to overcome than the self-sabotage.  The laziness can be easily defeated by just getting off my ASS already.  But the self sabotage is a whole different story, since there’s deeper, underlying reasoning behind it… mostly self-worth issues, or….feeling worth in general, not even SELF-worth I suppose but worthy of anything/anyone/etc..,

Gah.  Too deep.  Must stop.