Wide Load

Yeah, yeah, we’ve established that I’m a bad blogger.  One entry per month does hardly a blogger make, and the last entry was like, what, 100 words maybe?

I have got to get better about this, 9 times out of 10, writing is therapeutic for me.  Sometimes, I don’t even know where a certain way I phrase something comes from, it just sort of shoots out of my fingers and I’m like, “Whoa, that was kinda awesome.” And I don’t mean this in a “toot my own horn” sort of way but more in a, “Holy crap, where did that come from?” way.

Which brings me to the next thing I have got to get better about  – – losing weight.

At my heaviest, I was 248 pounds and a size 22.  Last summer, I was down to 174 and a size 12 and I was ecstatic.  (I just type ecstatic as exstatic.  Then exctatic. WTF is wrong with me?)

During the year that led up to that 174, I almost never ate fast food and only drank an occasional soda.  I  was unemployed and was coming off of spinal surgery and while I was unable to really exercise for several months, I also didn’t have much of an appetite.  And when I did eat, it was almost never processed or frozen or “fast food.”

Don’t get me wrong, I was not living on salads by any stretch of the imagination, I was still eating TONS of yummy food, but just taking the “processed” part out of the equation (just spelled that as: equaSion…omg)  and making stuff from scratch proved to have an enormous result as far as weight loss.  Let me back up from my last statement – my BOYFRIEND making stuff from scratch.

Fast forward almost a year and I am now once again between 190 and 200, and securely in a size 14 (closely sneaking up on being able to loosely wear a 16).  Since I started my new (awesome) job in February, I haven’t cooked but maybe 2 times.  I no longer live with my boyfriend, but rather am currently living with my parents, neither of whom cooks much, if ever.

I have fallen back into the convenience of fast food.  I literally eat out at a minimum – 2 times per day but usually 3.

Not only is this HORRIFIC for overall health and completely detrimental to weight loss, but financially I am spending over $100 a week on eating out (and that is lowballing…)

Thing is, I know all this full well.  Every time I go to bed at night, I think “Ok, tomorrow I’m going to get up early enough to make and eat a bowl of cereal at home.” and what do I do?  Either stop and grab a McSkillet Burrito from McDonalds or a donut/sweetroll from work.

Lunches are either in our cafeteria (and this is probably the closest I come to eating okay as I usually have a turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread with tomato and lite mayo) or they are at McDonalds (Quarter Pounder), Burger King (Whopper Jr. meal), Dairy Queen (double cheeseburger) or Taco Bell (2 bean burritos with sour cream).

Also (ALSO!!!) rather than drinking the almost 8 glasses of water a day that I was FORCING myself to before, I have been drinking MAYBE 1 per day, and the rest of the time it is soda.  Coke or root beer specifically, not even the diet variety!

Here’s my frustration:  knowing what I know, having the knowledge and, now, the PROOF that what I’m doing will do nothing other than make me gain weight and spend money I don’t have – why the HELL don’t I have better will power?

I only had another 20 or so pounds to go, and I would have been at my goal weight – a size 8.

Which brings me to TWO major issues about me:

Thing the first:  Laziness.  This one is easy and pure & simple.  If I weren’t so lazy, I’d get my ass outside to walk after work, or in the morning, or HELL – at lunch time on a FREE TREADMILL at work.  If I weren’t so lazy, I’d get up early enough to make and eat breakfast at home, make myself a healthy lunch, and make something even remotely healthier than McDonalds for dinner.

Thing the Second: Self sabotage.  This one’s not so easy and really dives a lot deeper into my personality than I care to think about right now.  It is something I do in, oh, just about every aspect of my life and is something I have actually covered at great length in therapy.  The one thing I haven’t covered about this?  How to NOT DO IT ANYMORE.  Of COURSE when I only had 20 pounds more to go, and actually looked pretty damn good at 174, I started gaining weight like a freaking woman in her 8th month of pregnancy.  Of COURSE once I started to feel better about myself and actually was PROUD of the weight loss and, low and behold, thought I looked GOOD and was confident for the first time in, um, I don’t even know – I let it all slide.

And I tell myself every day that it isn’t too late.  That just because I’ve put 20 pounds of my weight loss back on, that doesn’t mean I can’t pick up where I left off and make the scale go DOWN rather than up.  I can take that walk, I can NOT go to McDonalds, I can have water instead of soda.

And then I cave.

So, how does one get past these issues?  I mean, I actually think the laziness is easier to overcome than the self-sabotage.  The laziness can be easily defeated by just getting off my ASS already.  But the self sabotage is a whole different story, since there’s deeper, underlying reasoning behind it… mostly self-worth issues, or….feeling worth in general, not even SELF-worth I suppose but worthy of anything/anyone/etc..,

Gah.  Too deep.  Must stop.


7 thoughts on “Wide Load

  1. Kathryn says:

    Oh how lucky you are to know me…LOL!!

    As you know, a few years ago I lost a significant amount of weight. If it wasn’t for my rotten kid (lol) I’d probably still be my gorgeous, svelte self (alright, let’s not get ridiculous). But alas, I got knocked up, gained a lot of it back, lost my job, and gained some more. Now I’m right back where I was before but currently on the road back to where I want to be. So here’s my two cents:

    I am not, nor will I ever be, a person who will eat fruits and veggies and “healthy stuff” like I’m supposed to. Partly because I don’t like most fruits and vegetables and “healthy stuff” but mostly because I just don’t want to, damnit. So instead, I eat the healthy stuff I do like and don’t deny myself the unhealthy stuff I REALLY do like. I just count my calories and make sure I’m staying under what I need to stay under every day. I actually use this great website (www.myfitnesspal.com; you can even friend me if you decide to join) that helps me keep track of everything I put in my mouth, as well as my exercise. Do I still eat McDonald’s? Yep. Do I still have chocolate and ice cream and other bad stuff? You betcha. But I’m staying under my calories and I’m losing weight. And to make up for the lack of good stuff, I take vitamins. Lots of vitamins.

    As far as exercise, the first time I lost weight (and you were there through the whole ordeal, lol), I did 20 minutes a day on the treadmill. That was it. I never bought into the whole “you have to work out 40 hours a day to lose weight” dumbshit idea. Yeah no, the point is to get yourself moving. Every little bit helps, especially if you’re staying under your daily calorie goal. That being said, I do exercise more than I used to, only because I am an old fogey who needs to move a little more. Now I do 45 minutes five days a week walking on the trail at my local park, and if I’m up for it, I do an additional 15 minutes on my elliptical.

    Water? Totally got to psych yourself up for that. But I am telling you, once you get into the habit, you won’t even realize how much you’re drinking. 64 ounces is nothing to me now, I barely even pay attention when I’m drinking it. It’s all about creating habits, and once you do, they become second nature.

    I think the main reason diets don’t work is that they’re too regimented. You know your body better than anyone else, and you know what works for you. Don’t listen to people who say YOU CAN’T EVER EAT BURGER KING BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE AND WILL SPEND ALL OF ETERNITY DAMNED TO A FLAME-BROILED HELL because that is so not true. Of course I’m not advocating that you eat fast food every day of your life, I’m just saying that if you want it, have it. Just be mindful of what you’re taking in every day as far as calories.

    I’ve been doing what I’m doing for about a month and a half now and I have lost 20 pounds. And I still eat what I want to eat. I just eat a lot less of it. It’s all about moderation, my friend. That’s the magic word. Oh, and exercise. It sucks, but you gotta do it. But really, is 20 minutes a day really so bad?

    • JuiceBoxBaby says:

      Ok, first of all – awesome reply!

      And, yeah, the whole “diet” thing I don’t subscribe to either – at all. I also am not a “whole grains only, veggies and fruits and salads make me HAPPY” kind of person either. When I lost the 60 pounds last year, I was still fully enjoying burgers and spaghetti and all the other stuff, its just that it was all made from scratch and not pre-made/frozen or from a drive-thru.

      And, yeah, I will never be able to completely deprive myself of McDonalds (let’s get real) but at the same time – eating it (at least) 2x per day EVERY day does not a healthy (or skinny) body make, ya know? Moderation you said? And that is……? 😉

      And I was NOT aware that you were only walking 20 minutes a day during your entire weight loss??? I thought you up’d it every few weeks or whatever? God 20 minutes a day really doesn’t sound all THAT bad……

  2. Kathryn says:

    Me again. Have you thought about flavored water? That might make drinking 64 ounces a day a little more tolerable.

  3. JuiceBoxBaby says:

    Yeah, don’t like flavored water almost as much as I don’t like the diet variety of any soda…. lol…

  4. Kathryn says:

    Yeah, no, eating McD’s twice a day every day is definitely not a good thing. The best advice I can give you on that is to slowly wean yourself not off of it completely, but…down? So, instead of having it twice a day, for now just have it once a day. Just doing that will cut your calories significantly. And then once you get used to just having it once a day, knock it down to every other day, and so on and so forth. That way, you’re not depriving yourself completely and eventually you’ll get to a point where only having it once or twice a week is your new norm.

    Another thing you can do is leave your money/debit card at home, unless you absolutely need it (like for gas or something). That way, you won’t be able to stop for fast food to or from work. Not that it will stop you from going out to get it when you get home, but at that point, you’ll only be going once a day (I hope, anyway, lol). You picking up what I’m throwing down?

    Did you see my second comment about water? If not, please see above.

    And yes, for the majority of my weight loss, I was only doing 20 minutes a day. Admittedly toward the end, when I was going to the fitness center with Likosar, he was making me do 30 minutes, but by that time I had already lost the majority of my weight. Honestly, 20 minutes is NOTHING (although it may not seem that way when you’re actually doing it, lol).

    Okay, your turn.

    • JuiceBoxBaby says:

      That’s a really good idea about the debit card, actually. Cuz when I’m broke? Guess who makes time to make a sandwich in the morning? I think I will try that.

      Just having this conversation is actually getting me motivated!! I love, too, that you’ve been there, done that and you and I are so similar that I know we “get” each other about this subject especially.

      Oh, and I will be joining you on myfitnesspal – starting Monday I’m in a Healthy Eating class at work, and the way we have to log our food, etc.., is on that website!! (I also have a friend up in Green Bay that only had 20 to lose to get to, ahem, 130 lbs for a trip to Mexico, but she used that website to lose the 20 by the time she left, and the DAY BEFORE her trip, she hit her goal weight. She swears by the site emphatically.

      Also, I did respond to your water comment above, I just forgot to do it as a “reply” instead of a new comment…. you know me, I’ve always had a hard time with the water thing, and having it flavored helps NONE. But again, if I could force myself to do the 8 glasses and then TREAT myself with one soda per day, it’s a lot better than having a glass of water and 4 sodas. M-O-D-E-R-A-T-I-O-N was it?

  5. Kathryn says:

    Good on you for trying the debit card thing!! I really think doing that will help you tremendously. And then after a while, you won’t have to force yourself to leave it at home. You’ll just be used to NOT using it. Habits, word.

    I am SOOOO glad you are getting motivated!! I KNEW you would feel me and what I was saying; you’re too much like me NOT to, lol!! Seriously though, I’m really glad I could help. And anytime you need to talk about this, just let me know. I’m going through the journey right now, too, so if anyone can help see you through it, it’s yours truly.

    YAY for myfitnesspal!! I’m so excited we’re gonna be on it together!! I think it’ll just be extra motivation for us. Honestly, I had no idea how popular the site was – until I started using it. Now I can’t imagine NOT using it. I just love it!!

    Yeah, the water thing is hard for a lot of people, including me (although, like I said, I’m totally used to it now, thank god.). But I will say this, I lose weight a lot quicker and easier when I include the 8 glasses a day. I don’t know why that is, it just is. When I lost weight the last time, toward the end I stopped drinking water and the weight wasn’t coming off so easily. And now, if I go even one day without it, I can tell the difference in my body. I feel more bloated and uncomfortable. What about instead of waiting (I almost spelled that weighting, how funny is that?) until you’ve had all 8 glasses, you have 4 and then your one soda a day? Maybe breaking up the 8 glasses would make a difference? Or, what about flavored, CARBONATED water? Do you like that?

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