Ho-Ho-Ho

I was thinking about Christmas today, and that nostalgia that pops up when I think about things like decorating the tree.  I can remember so many things about Christmas time in my childhood, things that resonate within me still at 38 years old and I wonder, “Have I given this gift to my daughter?”

Will she look back someday at her childhood and remember certain Christmas ornaments or traditions?  I had the world’s most amazing grandmother (and nana), and – yes – my daughter does, too, but my mom isn’t a grandma-type like my grandma was.  There’s no smell of apple pie emanating from the kitchen, if you know what I mean.

I don’t have ornaments to pass down.  We’ve had it rough, and have been barely able to even HAVE Christmas trees, let alone year-after-year kept ornaments.

We’ve got the one tradition of going to my sister’s house every Christmas Eve, and Haley does look forward to this every year, but is this enough?  Or does every parent think the same thing?  Did my parents think this way when I was young?  And I MOST DEFINITELY look back on Christmas’s past with fondness.

Things to ponder.

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Pain

Just because I am the one who decided “Enough is enough” and put the final nail in the coffin that our relationship has become, please do not assume that this is easy or that I am by any means OK.

I think at first, in that first week, I was so angry over how it all went down, that I was incapable of feeling anything other than that.  I was so upset, and was feeling such relief after a couple months of my life being in virtual upheaval to be back in the safety of my parents’ home, that I wasn’t prepared for the inevitable.

The pain.

Please do not mistake this post for a preamble to us getting back together.  That is NOT where I am headed with this.  And I know that a certain amount of what I’m feeling is completely NORMAL in the grieving process.  Anger, hurt, guilt, pain, etc.., etc.., Been there, done that, have 50 t-shirts, thank you very much.

But, oh God, the pain.  This, I was not prepared for.

I am 100% sure that I made the right decision.  I continuously tell myself that it is better to be miserable without him than miserable with him.  But when does misery not factor in to the equation at all?

We were ENGAGED.  Perfect he was NOT, but he was my best friend and his absence is palpable.  Make no mistake about it – I was ready to marry this man.  I had already prepared my vows, I had already resolved in my heart that I was going to spend forever with him.  With every fiber of my being, I loved and continue to love him, and that doesn’t just go away.  And, so, being apart not only hurts my heart, but it PHYSICALLY hurts.  When something happens during the day, I want to call him.  Every song has some sort of meaning, there’s not too many things on TV that we didn’t watch together and have some sort of inside jokes about (hell, even the things we DIDN’T watch together remind me of how he’d make fun of my love of all things Jersey.  And Grey’s Anatomy.) He is the first thing in my head in the morning, he remains there the entirety of the day.  And forget about sleeping at night, when I am so used to him enveloping me in his arms for 7 hours.

And, I swear, if he were to stop drinking, I would take him back in a heartbeat.  But I will not suggest it.  I won’t place an ultimatum on him that will do no good unless HE wants it.  It won’t work and it would be temporary and it would only be for me if I were to say, “Stop drinking and we can be together!!”  It wouldn’t be REAL, and he’d end up failing – causing 100x more pain that we’re in now.  And it HURTS that he can’t come to this conclusion on his own.  He doesn’t see his drinking as being our problem (or a problem at all).  So what can you do?

On the other hand, he’s so masterful at twisting everything, that when I’m weak like I am this week, I start thinking about my part in the whole thing.  And I know (I KNOW!!) that this is what they do, this is part of the whole thing, and WHY do I fall victim to it EVERY FUCKING TIME when DEEP DOWN I know the truth?  (And that is NOT to say that I’m perfect and don’t have any fault in our demise…I have plenty – one being that he’s right that I’m never happy… and what an awful position it must be in to love someone whom you can never make happy?)

I almost wish he’d never given me a ring and made the engagement official.  That ring became so much a part of ME that EVERY TIME I glance down at my left hand, I am reminded of what was thrown away.  I truly, honestly feel something missing since removing it, it is the craziest feeling.  And I notice it’s absence, no kidding, a hundred times a day at least.  It is enough to drive someone crazy, and I am not far.

I continue to put on a happy face.  As far as I can tell, no one in “real life” realizes what a hard time I am having with this, how much I miss him, and just how much it feels as though there is a HOLE in the center of my chest.  And I know, someday it won’t feel like that anymore.

Someday the hole will be filled again.

But my GOD do I wish that day were right now.

Knock Knock!! Who’s There? Depression!!!

Depression’s set in this weekend.  I know it will pass, I know that it’s just one of those things that I have to deal with (have always had to on some level) but, oh God, does it suck.  When you’re so “in your head” constantly, to feel it coming on, to know that it is behind all the turned-down invitations and the lack of motivation to do anything and not be able to just fight through it is…. well… ugh.  When this happens, I disappoint people I love.  I can’t muster the OOMPH to want to hang out or go shopping or socialize.

My best friend wanted to have me over for dinner tonight, a belated birthday dinner, and I just can’t.  I just don’t WANT to, and I know that deep down – it’s not that I don’t WANT to, it’s the depression, but at the same time – it still takes the wheel and does my driving for me.  I don’t want to force myself to go, I don’t want to force a smile on my face that does NOT want to be there – a smile that would only be there for everyone else.  It’s too much, too exhausting.

So I sit in my room and watch mindless TV.  Hours upon hours upon hours of mindless TV.  It took every bit of energy to jump in the shower today, something I haven’t done since Thursday, and the main reason I did it at all is so as not to cause concern.  I don’t want anyone to worry about me – it’s not that serious and I know it will pass.  So I put on the smile when I have to.  And I shower when I have to.

And I pretend and pretend and pretend that everything’s ok.

Things He’s Said

We broke up last Wednesday.  Other than a few times that night, I didn’t hear from him.  He had all sorts of weekend plans that I knew about, and I mentioned to Bryin that once he didn’t have all sorts of things keeping him busy, this whole thing would really hit him.

Yesterday (Sunday) morning I received my first text.  He thanked me for returning the engagement ring, and said I’d have a place in his heart forever.

A little while later I received another, stating that he’s not able to sleep and that he can’t get me out of his head.

Silly, silly me thought that maybe we could have a civil conversation.  I do NOT want to work things out, but at the same time things were left unsaid because of the way things ended on Wednesday.  I feel like we owe it to each other to at the very least have some closure on the whole thing.  I wanted to be able to tell him that he threw us away for drinking.  I wanted him to understand, and, yes, a part of my wanted him to feel BAD.  I wanted to tell him his drinking and his lying were the reasons I couldn’t do it anymore.

I should mention now that I never realized before just how much a person could lie SO MUCH that they actually, honestly believe what they’ve drummed up in their heads.  That they lie with so much enthusiasm, they believe what they’re lying about, and actually have conviction about it.

You guys know how much I appreciated everything he did in return for me being the one working.  I have mentioned countless times on FB and a couple times here, how awesome it was that he cooked and cleaned and did laundry and made my lunches.  Not only did I mention it online, I literally thanked him every single day for every single task he did.  Several TIMES a day I thanked him.  In the morning on my way out, I’d thank him.  I would text him at lunch time and thank him for the lunch he made.  Each night I’d thank him for everything he’d done.

I don’t mean to overkill this description, but I honestly thanked him for his part in the whole thing at a minimum of 3 times a day.  And I truly did appreciate everything.

Anyhow.  I had responded to him that I thought we should actually TALK at some point so that I could explain what happened on my end of things.  Because of the way things ended on Wednesday, I never got to tell him how unhappy I had been or how much I was starting to despise his drinking, how my demeanor had changed as a result of unhappiness.  I told him I’d always love him, and that the worst part about this whole thing was that love really wasn’t enough afterall.

He responded that he, too, wanted to talk but that this week would be tough because he IS WORKING ALL WEEK.

Now, a little sidenote – the couple times we’ve broken up in the past, he suddenly finds work each time.  A few times it’s turned out to be lies (he was just trying to make me think things were looking up for him) and a few times he really did find some great side job suddenly.  Funny how it happens every time we split.  Ironic, no?

Anyhow, I responded that every time we split up, he manages to get his shit together, so perhaps it was a good thing me being gone.  I apologized that I’d grown bitter and resentful over the last month and that it had obviously affected him on some level.

He responded with:  You are always bitter and resentful, you just direct it at different people.

Um.  EXCUSE ME?????   First off, I am trying to be the bigger person and admit MY part in our demise and now you’re going to insult me in this way and, basically, tell me in so many words that it was ALL my fault?

So, the rest of the convo goes like this:  (Everything I put in (  ) are my thoughts to you, my readers.)

Me:  I’m sorry I was making you so unhappy, it was never my intention.  I tried and tried to hide it, I just couldn’t anymore.  The only thing I wanted was to make each other happy, you seem to be happier each time we split up, and I would rather you be happy without me than miserable with me. Also, I am not ALWAYS bitter and resentful.

(Considering his previous rude comment – this was also pretty big of me, no?)

Him:  What makes me unhappy is no matter what I do, you never appreciate, or even notice.  For you to thank me for making all your meals I had to put notes in your lunch to remind you.  And at that point it made you resentful that you couldn’t go out for lunch.  I rushed home on Wednesday to cook you dinner and you accused me of lying to you about where I’d been without even having a reason (um, the reason being that he has lied about something just about every day for the last month).  And, yes, no matter where you live, what’s going on, or how work is going you refuse to be content or happy.  You always think you’re missing out or being cheated.  I just had finished booking a job and was excited to tell you, and you are so absorbed in your misery.

(Um – FUCKING EXCUSE ME??????????  I never appreciated or noticed????????  I was resentful that he made me lunches?????????????????  I honestly don’t even know HOW THE FUCK he can think this even a tiny, tiny bit.  I even POSTED his awesome love notes on FB because I thought they were so awesome.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I CONSTANTLY thanked him for everything he did.  CONSTANTLY.)

Me:  You have to work tomorrow, I have a hard enough time with all this to sit here and listen to how miserable I make you.  It was obvious with your need to drink every day in order to, I dunno…what?  Deal with ME?And then drinking all the time contributed to my unhappiness.  Vicious circle.  I’m sorry you’ve been so sad, that breaks my heart.

(Again, pretty fucking nice response seeing as how he was slinging nothing but insults at me, no?)

Him:  What exactly was I doing wrong?  Except for demanding that you treat me with respect and not take everything that bothers you out on me.

Me:  I thanked you CONSTANTLY for all you did for me!!!  I appreciated it every single day.  Did you EVER ONCE thank me for working every day and providing us medical insurance?  No.  Actually you said it wasn’t enough, something I never would have said to you.

Him:  Drink all the time?  Yes, I drink more than you but considerably less than I used to.  And btw I am not the one who the problem with people I am friends with.  You didnt have the time or desire to consider me anything more than a drain on you, when I did EVERYTHING for you .  Cook, clean, laundry, make lunch and just lined up a job.  I’m not killing people while using alcohol, and if you want to talk about illegal risks – you text and drive.  What did you do for us?

(Ok, WHAT?????  Yes, texting and driving is totally comparable with drinking every day.  And what did I DO FOR US?  You mean, other than hold down a full time job and provide medical, dental and vision insurance?)

Him:  I gave you a place to live, fixed your car almost daily (UM – WHAT???), made every meal, cleaned and ironed your clothes, cleaned the house and helped you move out of your parents house.  You came home upset every day and made me feel as if I am not good enough for you.  Oh and you caught a bladder infection.  The first in history not caused by a fucking dirty penis.

(Again – WHAT???????????????? I don’t even get where he was coming from, was this an accusation that I was cheating on him?  I have no idea.  And it wasn’t a bladder infection, it was a side affect of the endometrial ablation I had done in June.  But, you know, whatever.)

Me:  I never asked or expected you to do all the things you did, I appreciated every singe thing and told you so every day, repeatedly.  I was ready for you to never have a FT job and me be the one working for us.  You are the one who INSISTED that I not have to lift a finger once I got home because I was the one working. I never ever demanded or expected those things.  And what did *I* do for us?  Thanks for that…. I only commuted 2 hours a day, worked 8 hours a day, and gave you medical insurance that cost me almost $200 per paycheck, something you haven’t had in FIFTEEN YEARS.  And you ask me what I DID FOR US?

Him:  I did those things bc you don’t even get out of fucking bed on the weekends.

(Again, WHAT???????  First of all, I WISH I could stay in bed all weekend.  Second, when I offered to help with house stuff or laundry, etc.., he wouldn’t let me because he said THAT’S HIS JOB since I work.)

Me: Nothing I guess.  I’m a piece of shit that never did anything like provide insurance or design business cards for your band, or design a website for the band to help promote it.  You’re right, I was all “take take take” and never did anything for you.

Him:  I’m tired of this you are clearly trying to assign blame (REALLY??????? that’s what *I’m* doing?) and your kneejerk reaction of “it’s the alcohol” is very hypocrical considering the source.

(I don’t know what this means considering I drink maybe 1x every 2 weeks and it’s like 4 beers.)

Him: You provided insurance I never used and meds I paid for half the time, the business cards and website that were both your doing on your time, I don’t bring up your car stereo or other gifts I’ve given you ecause when you do something for someone you love, you normally don’t keep track although YOU obviously have.

(Did he not just send me 3 texts listing out all the cooking and cleaning and meals and laundry he did for me????  Also?  HE NEVER ONCE paid for my meds.  NOT ONE TIME.  Granted, when I added him to my insurance and my deductible doubled, I had to pay $60 per prescription rather than $15 and because of this I was short the week before last so he helped me out with cash for gas for work.)

Me:  For you not to see what I did for us is awful.  this is pointless.  I love you and why would you tell me I’m the best thing that ever happened to you when clearly that was a lie?  And I do not keep track of who does what – UNTIL I AM ACCUSED OF DOING NOTHING FOR US.

Him:  I have spent over $800 in meds in the last few months, from a doctor that you wouldn’t have known about if it weren’t for me.

(WHERE THE FUCK IS HE PULLING THIS SHIT OUT OF?  I haven’t even spent $800 in meds ALL YEAR LONG, much less him thinking HE has.  At this point I just don’t even know what to say.)

Me:  WTF are you talking about, I have paid for ALL of my meds, which you KNOW because the times you’ve picked them up for me I am signed up for “Express Pay” at Walgreens.

Him:  And you spent 2 hours designing business cards and my website.  Compared to the 20 hours twice a week I spent on you.

(You mean minus the 40 hours I WORK and 10 hours I spend driving?  Not to mention it took much longer to do his website than 2 hours, again – it’s like he’s delusional and the hard part is that he TRULY BELIEVES what he’s saying.)

Me:  Ok, Ray, you are perfect and I suck.  Then why so sad we are over?

Him:  My phone is about to die, we are clearly not ready to talk.  I do want to keep the lines of communication open, and no matter how mad I sound, I will.

Me:  (Before I received the text above) I spent plenty more time doing the website and business cards than 2 hours, thanks for thinking you were just an afterthought when the opposite is true.  Very skewed version of the truth.  I shouldn’t be surprised I guess with how much you love to lie.

Him:  Never regret anything I did for you, and I am very sad.  Goodnight.

(Then he got my text above about how much he loves to lie)

Him:  Maybe if you weren’t always such a raging bitch when you don’t get your way, I wouldn’t have lied nearly as much.  How many other people in your life do the same thing just to get a little peace and avoid your particular brand of emotional blackmail?

Me:  (Before getting the text where he called me a bitch) I don’t regret everything I have done either, I was ready to be the one with the job and benefits for us FOREVER.

Him:  You are the one who has jeopardized your job several times in the last year, how do you think that your job ethic provides anyone with security?

(Um, alot more than NO JOB AT ALL?  And also?  My job was never “jeopardized” – they suggested I take short term disability when I was going thru all my medical stuff – – which is a continued issue – – but now you’re gonna put me down that YOU don’t feel secure?  REALLY?)

Me:  when you are ready to take responsibility for our demise, not ALL OF IT, I admit I am to blame as well, but you refuse to take ANY.  It is UNBELIEVABLE.

Him:  We broke up when I was trying my best.  My absolute best, the most I have ever been dedicated to another human being, was not good enough for you.

(Your absolute best is drinking every day starting at noon?)

Me:  It was enough, what wasn’t enough was working all day and coming home to you drinking each day.  And on Wednesday you LIED about it.

Him:  I didn’t do anything on Wednesday you suspicious bitch, I was at Ragan’s boarding up broken windows with Paul.  But you’re so fucking sure of yourself, it didn’t even occur to you that you were wrong.  Fuck you.

(He told me on Wednesday that he was working the wood splitter at Paul’s, now the story is that he was fixing windows.  Hmph.)

Me:  Name calling now?  Fuck this.  Have a nice life.  I love you, I always will but you are MEAN, u choose drinking and your 19 year old lifestyle over trying to grow up and make better choices, and you resort to putting me down any way you can.  Congratulations – you broke me, I hope you’re proud.  How u can love me and so easily call me names or throw things and grab me like you did Wednesday, end our relationship over a FIGHT, blame me for everything, throw us away because of lying and drinking and a refusal to grow up or at least look INWARD at your part of things – you should be proud.  Also – funny that you told me on Wednesday you were working the wood splitter, now it’s a window.  Which was what you did Thursday.  Get your lies straight.  Also my suspiciousness?  Is thanks to your constant lies.

Him:  Ok, you’re confused.  I fixed the window on Wednesday and worked the wood splitter on thursday and Friday.

(Nope, lie.)

Me:  You told me on Wednesday when you got home that you’d been working the wood splitter all afternoon, how else would I know anything about this wood splitter thing???  Look – I love you and I hate this and I don’t want to do this anymore.  I can’t imagine you not in my life, it breaks my heart, but you have such a low opinion of me when I would’ve gone to the end of the world and back for you.  Let’s stop this, seriously, I never meant to hurt you and for that I am truly sorry.

Him: You are a liar.  I never told you we went thru the machine controls for the next day.  You never had time to even listen to me.

(What?)

Me:  How would even know about that wood cutter thing, we haven’t talked SINCE Wednesday night?

Him:  And btw I am the one who saved for several months to pay $2800 for a ring you clearly were not emotionally mature enough to accept properly.

(Because you are just the epitome of what a husband should be?????)
(Oh and also?  NO WAY IN HELL my ring was $2800, and if he did (which he didn’t) then they also should have told him to bend the fuck over because while I LOVED my ring – it was not a $2800 ring.  Not in this lifetime.)

Me:  One that you promptly took back indicating it was never mine to begin with.

Him:  Once you made it clear your duty as a wife is to become your mother, I took it back as soon as possible.

(OH NO YOU DI’INT)

Me:  I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS,  we are just hurting each other more & more.  I am sorry for my part and I did have a part in this,  I never wanted to hurt you – you mean everything to me.  Please stop being so mean – I am not as strong as you are.

Him:  And Paul doesn’t even have a wood splitter!  How could you possibly think anything you are saying is a remote possibility?

(Ok, now scroll back up to his text where he says specifically that he fixed windows on wednesday and the wood cutter was Thursday and Friday.   NOW there IS NO WOOD CUTTER?  I mean, seriously.  How have I not lost my mind?)

He then called me and proceeded to talk OVER me for like 15 minutes before I finally hung up on him.

Him:  I have a full time job now, and have been bringing in more money than you for months.

(I don’t even know where he comes up with this stuff anymore.  He has brought in MAYBE $500 over the last 2 months.  Maybe.  That’s generous.  And he honestly believes the things he saying – how can you argue with someone so delusional??????? Oh and also?  He has a FT job for THE WEEK remodeling someone’s basement.)

Me:  Ok, you win.  Congratulations.

Him:  You got what you wanted in the first place so I think you win.

Me:  No, we are not happy together, in your mind I have made your life awful and have been nothing but a burden.  At least it’s one you don’t have to deal with now.  I may always have a place in your heart, but you’ll always have all of mine.

Him:  So in other words, now I’m an asshole for telling you the truth.

That was all I could take.  About 90% of the entire conversation was the complete opposite of the truth.  The problem is that he honestly believes the things he said and I just don’t know what to do with that.  I can’t defend myself from the lies, he doesn’t believe them to be lies.  I can’t even get so much as an apology, or regret over our demise – because he honestly believes it’s all my fault.

It is so unbelievably frustrating, I can’t begin to even describe it.  I wanted to keep this documented so that when I have those days when I miss him, I can come here and read this and SMACK MYSELF BACK INTO REALITY.

New Direction

I feel like I’m on the verge of really having something to say.

Call it self discovery, call it living and learning, call it whatever you want, but I feel it welling up inside me – a need to get something down, to get these observations and feelings in writing.  To put my 37 years of human interfacing and what I’ve learned about our species, particularly as it relates to men and relationships, on “paper”.

I think I’m going to take this blog in a new direction.

Ch-ch-ch changes

What a difference 24 hours makes.

I went from pretty much feeling like I was losing my mind yesterday to feeling world’s better today.

I left Ray last night.  It wasn’t pretty, it definitely wasn’t amicable, but it was necessary.

I got home from work last night to find he wasn’t there.  I had a bad feeling from the moment I pulled up to the house.  He arrived shortly after I did, smelling of alcohol, only when I asked him where he was, he lied and said he was working a side job.  I didn’t confront him immediately.  I stewed and stewed, and I’m sure it showed.  Eventually he asked why I was so quiet, and I responded that I could tell that he was lying to me and that’s when World War 3 ignited (it’s so funny to me how people completely give away that they’re caught in a lie by acting the way they do when you bust them on it…)

I remained calm as I do in these situations (past relationship abuse taught me well) and I could tell it was headed in an awful direction, he was slinging insults and being horrifically mean (“Oh, I’ve been lying huh?  Only about the fact that I’m happy with YOU..” amongst other lovely sentiments.)  He said that me working to support us and providing us insurance (my insurance lone is only $14 per pay period, adding him caused the premium to jump to $190) was not “my half” of our relationship – that I still needed to be someone he WANTED to come home to.  Because, you know, it’s been my DREAM to come home to a drunk alcoholic every day.

But I digress.

I don’t doubt that I haven’t been a pleasure over the last month, but what he fails to see is that he’s the reason WHY.  Yes, I have a million things on my plate right now, but GUESS WHAT?  I STILL have a million things on my plate and, yet, I’m in a better mood today after having ended things with him than I’ve been at any point since we moved in together a month ago.

Telling?  Methinkso.

So, once he started throwing things at me, I high tailed it out of there (another lovely thing past abuse taught me).  I brought ONE work outfit and nothing more.  He called a million times on my way to my parents (to my HAVEN) with different threats about bringing the engagement ring back.

And I have no problem giving it back to him, except that I don’t want to see him or be near him to do so.  So, I’ll figure all that out in time, along with getting my stuff back.

It’s just stuff and it’s all replaceable so…..if need be, I’ll buy new clothes.

This post will most likely be all over the place.  Just thought I’d forwarn you.

How am I doing?  I just Googled “Nervous breakdown symptoms” if that’s any indication?  Totally serious.

There’s been so much happening over the last month, I don’t even know where to begin.  Ray & I decided along with his sister (and her 2 teenagers) that rather than continue forking over money for rent, we would BUY a duplex and split the mortgage.  Ray and my credit ratings suck, so his sister (whose credit rating is somewhere around “perfect”) applied for the mortgage, was approved with no problem, we found a place and placed a bid and did the whole back & forth counter-offer thing with the homeowners.  Since I’d been paying my parents $600 a month in rent and we knew we’d have to come up with approximately 5 thousand down, his sister suggested that Ray and I move in with her, and the money that I was paying my parents would go into our “House Down Payment” fund.

Now, I love Ray’s family, I really do.  But his sister, who’s a single parent in her 40’s with 2 teenagers (18 year old boy and 16 year old girl,) works full time and, like most of those in his family including himself, can drink most people under the table.  Which, whatever – go crazy.

However.  Her house is a MESS most of the time.  And I’m not talking about a few things out of place, I’m talking dishes in the sink, floors haven’t been swept or mopped in ages, 4 cats, 2 dogs and 4 birds kind of mess.

On top of this, there’s  something BAD there at her house.  I have never been a believer in supernatural things, houses being haunted, bad spirits – that sort of thing.  But within a matter of a day, I went from being fairly happy/stable to being a complete and utter wreck.  Ray did as well.

When I stayed with her last year during the period I was on bedrest after my spinal surgery, often Ray would leave shortly after we woke up in the mornings to go back to his mom’s, and would be gone most of the daytime.  It caused some issues back then because, hello???  I, too, am miserable – not to mention on bedrest – why the hell are you leaving me alone so much?

Well the same thing happened this time around.  He started off so excited that we finally had the opportunity to live together, but then once we moved in with her – he immediately began going back to his mom’s whilst I was at work, and then often he wouldn’t return until 7-8pm.  Which basically meant he was sleeping with me at his sisters and nothing more.

He hadn’t relocated ANYTHING, hadn’t packed even so much as an overnight bag, whereas I had uprooted my entire life to move 45 minutes FARTHER from my job, into a house that I cannot stand and am miserable at, all so that I could live with him.

Shit ain’t right.

I dreaded coming “home” each day.   I was always in a bad mood and was constantly upset at him for something or other.  I was either mad or sad, and this is not an exaggeration. This is no way to live.

2 weeks into this new arrangement, his mom went on vacation so he and I went to stay at her place for 8 days.  For the most part, it was heavenly.  Once again, almost immediately my mood shifted.  I knew without a doubt that I could not go back to staying with his sister, and when I talked to  him about it – he agreed, he too was miserable and had all the same feelings I did about the matter.  Add to that that his sister decided rather than buy something NOW, she wanted to wait another 6 months.  Which was NOT the gameplan when the whole thing was initialized.  See also:  No way in hell.

During the 2 weeks at his sisters, I was so miserable and depressed, that I used my ability to “work from home” too often.  I couldn’t drag myself out of bed in the mornings, I couldn’t fall asleep at night and even once I did I was unable to STAY asleep.

In the 2nd week there, my best friend was arrested for vehicular homicide and DUI-drugs (2 prescription and 2 not) leaving behind her 3 month old newborn, a dead father and his brain damaged 9 year-old little girl (the people on a motorcycle that my best friend got in the accident with) .

Needless to say, this was quite a blow to my already fragile sense of well being.

All of my work from home time didn’t fly with my new position like it did with my previous group, so in addition to everything I’ve mentioned, I also got “warned” at work about needing to be here 40 hours a week now.  I went from being promoted a month ago, to receiving an attendance warning.

Also during this time, I added Ray to my medical, dental and vision insurance, since my work had a “Domestic Partner” option, we didn’t have to wait until we were married, which is awesome.  While I was at it with work benefits, I also signed on for the 401(k) which I’d previously not been taking advantage of.  I received my first paycheck since those new elections were made, and was surprised to find my check was about $200 less than before.  EVERY OTHER FRIDAY!  Financially, this was quite a blow.  Additionally, by adding him to my insurance, my deductible (which I had previously already met) of $2000 was up-d from the “Individual Plan” to the “Family Plan” which is $4000.  And that caused me to now have to pay 1oo% on my prescription meds, that I was previously only paying about $15 each for.

Of course, you know what happened next right?  My car started acting up.

When I say it’s been a bad couple weeks people?  It’s been a BAD COUPLE WEEKS!!

Then, the worst of alllllllllllllll of it, my daughter told her dad and me the other day that she was molested by her cousin when she was younger.  I cannot even TOUCH this subject here on this blog at this moment because it is TOO MUCH. I will on another day – when it doesn’t make me sob uncontrollably just thinking about it.

Anyhow, all of that leads me to this:

I love Ray.  With all my heart, I love him.  But his lack of career (musician and tattoo artist are not salaried gigs) is now COSTING me money, and a lot of it.  Not only straight out of my paychecks for insurance, but now my own prescription meds are costing 4x what they would had I not added him.  I also have an hour long commute each way and about 60 more miles per day on my car.

He does a lot for me people, so please don’t misunderstand me here.  He does all the cooking and cleaning, he even gets my shower ready in the mornings and makes me breakfast.  He does all my laundry and even IRONS my work clothes.

But there are issues too.  I don’t like talking about the “bad” parts of our relationship, or my doubts.  But this is my place to do such a thing right?

He drinks too much and too often.
He brings in very little money.

These are things that I knew about him going in, so I almost feel like it’s unfair of me to use them as, what, reasons to have doubts about him now?  Reasons I’m considering what I’m considering?

My dad is an alcoholic.  I know firsthand what it’s like to live a life with one, and it’s not fun.  The instability, the never knowing what mood they’re in, the reliance on a substance to be able to live life, the bad decision making that surrounds addiction, all of these things concern me.  I think it’s all coming to a head because now, rather than it being a far off issue, and one that wasn’t directly impacting me, it has become very close and one that is basically slamming me directly in the face.

Last night he drank for the 9th day/night in a row.  I don’t know if it was because we weren’t living together before, but I don’t remember it ever being that often.  And, granted, it’s always done in a social setting, as opposed to drinking alone or in secret or whatever but…. still….3 times last week I came home from WORKING ALL DAY to find him drinking with his friends.  They were also doing other things (fixing my car one day, redo-ing carpeting another, etc..,) so it’s not like they were just sitting around the house doing nothing.  Again – BUT STILL.

I’ve tried to tell him that living with a drunk isn’t the most desirable of situations.  I’ve tried in vain to explain to him how SUPER UBER stressed I am right now.

Honestly what I want to do is run away.  From everything and everyone.  History has shown this is not a good place for me personally to be in, because in the past – that’s exactly what I would do is just disappear.

If I were to do only what is best for me, I would move back with my parents immediately.  I would remove him from my insurance and insist that he get a job and provide his own benefits. I would tell him that his drinking has become a problem FOR ME and until he gets a grip on it, I’m done.

But I just don’t seem to be able to just look out for me, there’s a part of me that tells me how selfish that is and that I agreed to MARRY him, not leave when the going gets tough.  The vows I will take say for better OR WORSE and this is the WORSE they speak of so who the hell am I to say “Sorry, bowing out now-thanks!”

He had band practice last night.  So of course, another night of drinking.  Prior to him leaving for practice, he’d known I’d had a bad day.  There were a plethora of CRAPPY things that happened throughout the day that clearly indicated it could safely be labeled “BAD DAY”.  Yet when he came home last night he was slightly irritating and somewhat instigate-y.  I didn’t fall into the trap though, I didn’t let him goad me into a stupid argument.  I had kept the thing about my daughter to myself for 2 days prior, just didn’t have the words and didn’t feel it was my business to tell, but last night I told him about it.

He then proceeded to surf the internet on his phone.

????????

When I finally was like “So….you have nothing to say about what I just told you?  You haven’t even asked how **I’m**doing about the whole thing or how she is doing or what the plan is or…ANYTHING for that matter….” he responded that in his opinion, my daughter is lying and trying to get attention because her dad and I have so much “else” going on right now in life, that she feels this will be a way to bring the focus around to her.

I honestly just don’t even know what to say about this.  After a little bit, he did ask that I give him some time to process information like that without just demanding a reaction immediately, and said he’d be much more sympathetic to what I’m going thru after a day or so of being able to “sit on it” or whatever.

BUT STILL.

I just don’t know what to do anymore people.  I am at wit’s end.  If one more thing falls onto my shoulders, I’m not entirely sure I won’t be crushed by the weight of it all.  And the person who is supposed to be my partner, my sounding board, at the very least my SHOULDER just doesn’t cut it anymore and I don’t know what to do with that.  I don’t know what I would do without him, but at the same time I don’t know what to do WITH him either.  At what point does one just disregard others and look out only for themselves?  Where’s the line?

HELP.