This post will most likely be all over the place.  Just thought I’d forwarn you.

How am I doing?  I just Googled “Nervous breakdown symptoms” if that’s any indication?  Totally serious.

There’s been so much happening over the last month, I don’t even know where to begin.  Ray & I decided along with his sister (and her 2 teenagers) that rather than continue forking over money for rent, we would BUY a duplex and split the mortgage.  Ray and my credit ratings suck, so his sister (whose credit rating is somewhere around “perfect”) applied for the mortgage, was approved with no problem, we found a place and placed a bid and did the whole back & forth counter-offer thing with the homeowners.  Since I’d been paying my parents $600 a month in rent and we knew we’d have to come up with approximately 5 thousand down, his sister suggested that Ray and I move in with her, and the money that I was paying my parents would go into our “House Down Payment” fund.

Now, I love Ray’s family, I really do.  But his sister, who’s a single parent in her 40’s with 2 teenagers (18 year old boy and 16 year old girl,) works full time and, like most of those in his family including himself, can drink most people under the table.  Which, whatever – go crazy.

However.  Her house is a MESS most of the time.  And I’m not talking about a few things out of place, I’m talking dishes in the sink, floors haven’t been swept or mopped in ages, 4 cats, 2 dogs and 4 birds kind of mess.

On top of this, there’s  something BAD there at her house.  I have never been a believer in supernatural things, houses being haunted, bad spirits – that sort of thing.  But within a matter of a day, I went from being fairly happy/stable to being a complete and utter wreck.  Ray did as well.

When I stayed with her last year during the period I was on bedrest after my spinal surgery, often Ray would leave shortly after we woke up in the mornings to go back to his mom’s, and would be gone most of the daytime.  It caused some issues back then because, hello???  I, too, am miserable – not to mention on bedrest – why the hell are you leaving me alone so much?

Well the same thing happened this time around.  He started off so excited that we finally had the opportunity to live together, but then once we moved in with her – he immediately began going back to his mom’s whilst I was at work, and then often he wouldn’t return until 7-8pm.  Which basically meant he was sleeping with me at his sisters and nothing more.

He hadn’t relocated ANYTHING, hadn’t packed even so much as an overnight bag, whereas I had uprooted my entire life to move 45 minutes FARTHER from my job, into a house that I cannot stand and am miserable at, all so that I could live with him.

Shit ain’t right.

I dreaded coming “home” each day.   I was always in a bad mood and was constantly upset at him for something or other.  I was either mad or sad, and this is not an exaggeration. This is no way to live.

2 weeks into this new arrangement, his mom went on vacation so he and I went to stay at her place for 8 days.  For the most part, it was heavenly.  Once again, almost immediately my mood shifted.  I knew without a doubt that I could not go back to staying with his sister, and when I talked to  him about it – he agreed, he too was miserable and had all the same feelings I did about the matter.  Add to that that his sister decided rather than buy something NOW, she wanted to wait another 6 months.  Which was NOT the gameplan when the whole thing was initialized.  See also:  No way in hell.

During the 2 weeks at his sisters, I was so miserable and depressed, that I used my ability to “work from home” too often.  I couldn’t drag myself out of bed in the mornings, I couldn’t fall asleep at night and even once I did I was unable to STAY asleep.

In the 2nd week there, my best friend was arrested for vehicular homicide and DUI-drugs (2 prescription and 2 not) leaving behind her 3 month old newborn, a dead father and his brain damaged 9 year-old little girl (the people on a motorcycle that my best friend got in the accident with) .

Needless to say, this was quite a blow to my already fragile sense of well being.

All of my work from home time didn’t fly with my new position like it did with my previous group, so in addition to everything I’ve mentioned, I also got “warned” at work about needing to be here 40 hours a week now.  I went from being promoted a month ago, to receiving an attendance warning.

Also during this time, I added Ray to my medical, dental and vision insurance, since my work had a “Domestic Partner” option, we didn’t have to wait until we were married, which is awesome.  While I was at it with work benefits, I also signed on for the 401(k) which I’d previously not been taking advantage of.  I received my first paycheck since those new elections were made, and was surprised to find my check was about $200 less than before.  EVERY OTHER FRIDAY!  Financially, this was quite a blow.  Additionally, by adding him to my insurance, my deductible (which I had previously already met) of $2000 was up-d from the “Individual Plan” to the “Family Plan” which is $4000.  And that caused me to now have to pay 1oo% on my prescription meds, that I was previously only paying about $15 each for.

Of course, you know what happened next right?  My car started acting up.

When I say it’s been a bad couple weeks people?  It’s been a BAD COUPLE WEEKS!!

Then, the worst of alllllllllllllll of it, my daughter told her dad and me the other day that she was molested by her cousin when she was younger.  I cannot even TOUCH this subject here on this blog at this moment because it is TOO MUCH. I will on another day – when it doesn’t make me sob uncontrollably just thinking about it.

Anyhow, all of that leads me to this:

I love Ray.  With all my heart, I love him.  But his lack of career (musician and tattoo artist are not salaried gigs) is now COSTING me money, and a lot of it.  Not only straight out of my paychecks for insurance, but now my own prescription meds are costing 4x what they would had I not added him.  I also have an hour long commute each way and about 60 more miles per day on my car.

He does a lot for me people, so please don’t misunderstand me here.  He does all the cooking and cleaning, he even gets my shower ready in the mornings and makes me breakfast.  He does all my laundry and even IRONS my work clothes.

But there are issues too.  I don’t like talking about the “bad” parts of our relationship, or my doubts.  But this is my place to do such a thing right?

He drinks too much and too often.
He brings in very little money.

These are things that I knew about him going in, so I almost feel like it’s unfair of me to use them as, what, reasons to have doubts about him now?  Reasons I’m considering what I’m considering?

My dad is an alcoholic.  I know firsthand what it’s like to live a life with one, and it’s not fun.  The instability, the never knowing what mood they’re in, the reliance on a substance to be able to live life, the bad decision making that surrounds addiction, all of these things concern me.  I think it’s all coming to a head because now, rather than it being a far off issue, and one that wasn’t directly impacting me, it has become very close and one that is basically slamming me directly in the face.

Last night he drank for the 9th day/night in a row.  I don’t know if it was because we weren’t living together before, but I don’t remember it ever being that often.  And, granted, it’s always done in a social setting, as opposed to drinking alone or in secret or whatever but…. still….3 times last week I came home from WORKING ALL DAY to find him drinking with his friends.  They were also doing other things (fixing my car one day, redo-ing carpeting another, etc..,) so it’s not like they were just sitting around the house doing nothing.  Again – BUT STILL.

I’ve tried to tell him that living with a drunk isn’t the most desirable of situations.  I’ve tried in vain to explain to him how SUPER UBER stressed I am right now.

Honestly what I want to do is run away.  From everything and everyone.  History has shown this is not a good place for me personally to be in, because in the past – that’s exactly what I would do is just disappear.

If I were to do only what is best for me, I would move back with my parents immediately.  I would remove him from my insurance and insist that he get a job and provide his own benefits. I would tell him that his drinking has become a problem FOR ME and until he gets a grip on it, I’m done.

But I just don’t seem to be able to just look out for me, there’s a part of me that tells me how selfish that is and that I agreed to MARRY him, not leave when the going gets tough.  The vows I will take say for better OR WORSE and this is the WORSE they speak of so who the hell am I to say “Sorry, bowing out now-thanks!”

He had band practice last night.  So of course, another night of drinking.  Prior to him leaving for practice, he’d known I’d had a bad day.  There were a plethora of CRAPPY things that happened throughout the day that clearly indicated it could safely be labeled “BAD DAY”.  Yet when he came home last night he was slightly irritating and somewhat instigate-y.  I didn’t fall into the trap though, I didn’t let him goad me into a stupid argument.  I had kept the thing about my daughter to myself for 2 days prior, just didn’t have the words and didn’t feel it was my business to tell, but last night I told him about it.

He then proceeded to surf the internet on his phone.

????????

When I finally was like “So….you have nothing to say about what I just told you?  You haven’t even asked how **I’m**doing about the whole thing or how she is doing or what the plan is or…ANYTHING for that matter….” he responded that in his opinion, my daughter is lying and trying to get attention because her dad and I have so much “else” going on right now in life, that she feels this will be a way to bring the focus around to her.

I honestly just don’t even know what to say about this.  After a little bit, he did ask that I give him some time to process information like that without just demanding a reaction immediately, and said he’d be much more sympathetic to what I’m going thru after a day or so of being able to “sit on it” or whatever.

BUT STILL.

I just don’t know what to do anymore people.  I am at wit’s end.  If one more thing falls onto my shoulders, I’m not entirely sure I won’t be crushed by the weight of it all.  And the person who is supposed to be my partner, my sounding board, at the very least my SHOULDER just doesn’t cut it anymore and I don’t know what to do with that.  I don’t know what I would do without him, but at the same time I don’t know what to do WITH him either.  At what point does one just disregard others and look out only for themselves?  Where’s the line?

HELP.

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