Things He’s Said

We broke up last Wednesday.  Other than a few times that night, I didn’t hear from him.  He had all sorts of weekend plans that I knew about, and I mentioned to Bryin that once he didn’t have all sorts of things keeping him busy, this whole thing would really hit him.

Yesterday (Sunday) morning I received my first text.  He thanked me for returning the engagement ring, and said I’d have a place in his heart forever.

A little while later I received another, stating that he’s not able to sleep and that he can’t get me out of his head.

Silly, silly me thought that maybe we could have a civil conversation.  I do NOT want to work things out, but at the same time things were left unsaid because of the way things ended on Wednesday.  I feel like we owe it to each other to at the very least have some closure on the whole thing.  I wanted to be able to tell him that he threw us away for drinking.  I wanted him to understand, and, yes, a part of my wanted him to feel BAD.  I wanted to tell him his drinking and his lying were the reasons I couldn’t do it anymore.

I should mention now that I never realized before just how much a person could lie SO MUCH that they actually, honestly believe what they’ve drummed up in their heads.  That they lie with so much enthusiasm, they believe what they’re lying about, and actually have conviction about it.

You guys know how much I appreciated everything he did in return for me being the one working.  I have mentioned countless times on FB and a couple times here, how awesome it was that he cooked and cleaned and did laundry and made my lunches.  Not only did I mention it online, I literally thanked him every single day for every single task he did.  Several TIMES a day I thanked him.  In the morning on my way out, I’d thank him.  I would text him at lunch time and thank him for the lunch he made.  Each night I’d thank him for everything he’d done.

I don’t mean to overkill this description, but I honestly thanked him for his part in the whole thing at a minimum of 3 times a day.  And I truly did appreciate everything.

Anyhow.  I had responded to him that I thought we should actually TALK at some point so that I could explain what happened on my end of things.  Because of the way things ended on Wednesday, I never got to tell him how unhappy I had been or how much I was starting to despise his drinking, how my demeanor had changed as a result of unhappiness.  I told him I’d always love him, and that the worst part about this whole thing was that love really wasn’t enough afterall.

He responded that he, too, wanted to talk but that this week would be tough because he IS WORKING ALL WEEK.

Now, a little sidenote – the couple times we’ve broken up in the past, he suddenly finds work each time.  A few times it’s turned out to be lies (he was just trying to make me think things were looking up for him) and a few times he really did find some great side job suddenly.  Funny how it happens every time we split.  Ironic, no?

Anyhow, I responded that every time we split up, he manages to get his shit together, so perhaps it was a good thing me being gone.  I apologized that I’d grown bitter and resentful over the last month and that it had obviously affected him on some level.

He responded with:  You are always bitter and resentful, you just direct it at different people.

Um.  EXCUSE ME?????   First off, I am trying to be the bigger person and admit MY part in our demise and now you’re going to insult me in this way and, basically, tell me in so many words that it was ALL my fault?

So, the rest of the convo goes like this:  (Everything I put in (  ) are my thoughts to you, my readers.)

Me:  I’m sorry I was making you so unhappy, it was never my intention.  I tried and tried to hide it, I just couldn’t anymore.  The only thing I wanted was to make each other happy, you seem to be happier each time we split up, and I would rather you be happy without me than miserable with me. Also, I am not ALWAYS bitter and resentful.

(Considering his previous rude comment – this was also pretty big of me, no?)

Him:  What makes me unhappy is no matter what I do, you never appreciate, or even notice.  For you to thank me for making all your meals I had to put notes in your lunch to remind you.  And at that point it made you resentful that you couldn’t go out for lunch.  I rushed home on Wednesday to cook you dinner and you accused me of lying to you about where I’d been without even having a reason (um, the reason being that he has lied about something just about every day for the last month).  And, yes, no matter where you live, what’s going on, or how work is going you refuse to be content or happy.  You always think you’re missing out or being cheated.  I just had finished booking a job and was excited to tell you, and you are so absorbed in your misery.

(Um – FUCKING EXCUSE ME??????????  I never appreciated or noticed????????  I was resentful that he made me lunches?????????????????  I honestly don’t even know HOW THE FUCK he can think this even a tiny, tiny bit.  I even POSTED his awesome love notes on FB because I thought they were so awesome.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I CONSTANTLY thanked him for everything he did.  CONSTANTLY.)

Me:  You have to work tomorrow, I have a hard enough time with all this to sit here and listen to how miserable I make you.  It was obvious with your need to drink every day in order to, I dunno…what?  Deal with ME?And then drinking all the time contributed to my unhappiness.  Vicious circle.  I’m sorry you’ve been so sad, that breaks my heart.

(Again, pretty fucking nice response seeing as how he was slinging nothing but insults at me, no?)

Him:  What exactly was I doing wrong?  Except for demanding that you treat me with respect and not take everything that bothers you out on me.

Me:  I thanked you CONSTANTLY for all you did for me!!!  I appreciated it every single day.  Did you EVER ONCE thank me for working every day and providing us medical insurance?  No.  Actually you said it wasn’t enough, something I never would have said to you.

Him:  Drink all the time?  Yes, I drink more than you but considerably less than I used to.  And btw I am not the one who the problem with people I am friends with.  You didnt have the time or desire to consider me anything more than a drain on you, when I did EVERYTHING for you .  Cook, clean, laundry, make lunch and just lined up a job.  I’m not killing people while using alcohol, and if you want to talk about illegal risks – you text and drive.  What did you do for us?

(Ok, WHAT?????  Yes, texting and driving is totally comparable with drinking every day.  And what did I DO FOR US?  You mean, other than hold down a full time job and provide medical, dental and vision insurance?)

Him:  I gave you a place to live, fixed your car almost daily (UM – WHAT???), made every meal, cleaned and ironed your clothes, cleaned the house and helped you move out of your parents house.  You came home upset every day and made me feel as if I am not good enough for you.  Oh and you caught a bladder infection.  The first in history not caused by a fucking dirty penis.

(Again – WHAT???????????????? I don’t even get where he was coming from, was this an accusation that I was cheating on him?  I have no idea.  And it wasn’t a bladder infection, it was a side affect of the endometrial ablation I had done in June.  But, you know, whatever.)

Me:  I never asked or expected you to do all the things you did, I appreciated every singe thing and told you so every day, repeatedly.  I was ready for you to never have a FT job and me be the one working for us.  You are the one who INSISTED that I not have to lift a finger once I got home because I was the one working. I never ever demanded or expected those things.  And what did *I* do for us?  Thanks for that…. I only commuted 2 hours a day, worked 8 hours a day, and gave you medical insurance that cost me almost $200 per paycheck, something you haven’t had in FIFTEEN YEARS.  And you ask me what I DID FOR US?

Him:  I did those things bc you don’t even get out of fucking bed on the weekends.

(Again, WHAT???????  First of all, I WISH I could stay in bed all weekend.  Second, when I offered to help with house stuff or laundry, etc.., he wouldn’t let me because he said THAT’S HIS JOB since I work.)

Me: Nothing I guess.  I’m a piece of shit that never did anything like provide insurance or design business cards for your band, or design a website for the band to help promote it.  You’re right, I was all “take take take” and never did anything for you.

Him:  I’m tired of this you are clearly trying to assign blame (REALLY??????? that’s what *I’m* doing?) and your kneejerk reaction of “it’s the alcohol” is very hypocrical considering the source.

(I don’t know what this means considering I drink maybe 1x every 2 weeks and it’s like 4 beers.)

Him: You provided insurance I never used and meds I paid for half the time, the business cards and website that were both your doing on your time, I don’t bring up your car stereo or other gifts I’ve given you ecause when you do something for someone you love, you normally don’t keep track although YOU obviously have.

(Did he not just send me 3 texts listing out all the cooking and cleaning and meals and laundry he did for me????  Also?  HE NEVER ONCE paid for my meds.  NOT ONE TIME.  Granted, when I added him to my insurance and my deductible doubled, I had to pay $60 per prescription rather than $15 and because of this I was short the week before last so he helped me out with cash for gas for work.)

Me:  For you not to see what I did for us is awful.  this is pointless.  I love you and why would you tell me I’m the best thing that ever happened to you when clearly that was a lie?  And I do not keep track of who does what – UNTIL I AM ACCUSED OF DOING NOTHING FOR US.

Him:  I have spent over $800 in meds in the last few months, from a doctor that you wouldn’t have known about if it weren’t for me.

(WHERE THE FUCK IS HE PULLING THIS SHIT OUT OF?  I haven’t even spent $800 in meds ALL YEAR LONG, much less him thinking HE has.  At this point I just don’t even know what to say.)

Me:  WTF are you talking about, I have paid for ALL of my meds, which you KNOW because the times you’ve picked them up for me I am signed up for “Express Pay” at Walgreens.

Him:  And you spent 2 hours designing business cards and my website.  Compared to the 20 hours twice a week I spent on you.

(You mean minus the 40 hours I WORK and 10 hours I spend driving?  Not to mention it took much longer to do his website than 2 hours, again – it’s like he’s delusional and the hard part is that he TRULY BELIEVES what he’s saying.)

Me:  Ok, Ray, you are perfect and I suck.  Then why so sad we are over?

Him:  My phone is about to die, we are clearly not ready to talk.  I do want to keep the lines of communication open, and no matter how mad I sound, I will.

Me:  (Before I received the text above) I spent plenty more time doing the website and business cards than 2 hours, thanks for thinking you were just an afterthought when the opposite is true.  Very skewed version of the truth.  I shouldn’t be surprised I guess with how much you love to lie.

Him:  Never regret anything I did for you, and I am very sad.  Goodnight.

(Then he got my text above about how much he loves to lie)

Him:  Maybe if you weren’t always such a raging bitch when you don’t get your way, I wouldn’t have lied nearly as much.  How many other people in your life do the same thing just to get a little peace and avoid your particular brand of emotional blackmail?

Me:  (Before getting the text where he called me a bitch) I don’t regret everything I have done either, I was ready to be the one with the job and benefits for us FOREVER.

Him:  You are the one who has jeopardized your job several times in the last year, how do you think that your job ethic provides anyone with security?

(Um, alot more than NO JOB AT ALL?  And also?  My job was never “jeopardized” – they suggested I take short term disability when I was going thru all my medical stuff – – which is a continued issue – – but now you’re gonna put me down that YOU don’t feel secure?  REALLY?)

Me:  when you are ready to take responsibility for our demise, not ALL OF IT, I admit I am to blame as well, but you refuse to take ANY.  It is UNBELIEVABLE.

Him:  We broke up when I was trying my best.  My absolute best, the most I have ever been dedicated to another human being, was not good enough for you.

(Your absolute best is drinking every day starting at noon?)

Me:  It was enough, what wasn’t enough was working all day and coming home to you drinking each day.  And on Wednesday you LIED about it.

Him:  I didn’t do anything on Wednesday you suspicious bitch, I was at Ragan’s boarding up broken windows with Paul.  But you’re so fucking sure of yourself, it didn’t even occur to you that you were wrong.  Fuck you.

(He told me on Wednesday that he was working the wood splitter at Paul’s, now the story is that he was fixing windows.  Hmph.)

Me:  Name calling now?  Fuck this.  Have a nice life.  I love you, I always will but you are MEAN, u choose drinking and your 19 year old lifestyle over trying to grow up and make better choices, and you resort to putting me down any way you can.  Congratulations – you broke me, I hope you’re proud.  How u can love me and so easily call me names or throw things and grab me like you did Wednesday, end our relationship over a FIGHT, blame me for everything, throw us away because of lying and drinking and a refusal to grow up or at least look INWARD at your part of things – you should be proud.  Also – funny that you told me on Wednesday you were working the wood splitter, now it’s a window.  Which was what you did Thursday.  Get your lies straight.  Also my suspiciousness?  Is thanks to your constant lies.

Him:  Ok, you’re confused.  I fixed the window on Wednesday and worked the wood splitter on thursday and Friday.

(Nope, lie.)

Me:  You told me on Wednesday when you got home that you’d been working the wood splitter all afternoon, how else would I know anything about this wood splitter thing???  Look – I love you and I hate this and I don’t want to do this anymore.  I can’t imagine you not in my life, it breaks my heart, but you have such a low opinion of me when I would’ve gone to the end of the world and back for you.  Let’s stop this, seriously, I never meant to hurt you and for that I am truly sorry.

Him: You are a liar.  I never told you we went thru the machine controls for the next day.  You never had time to even listen to me.

(What?)

Me:  How would even know about that wood cutter thing, we haven’t talked SINCE Wednesday night?

Him:  And btw I am the one who saved for several months to pay $2800 for a ring you clearly were not emotionally mature enough to accept properly.

(Because you are just the epitome of what a husband should be?????)
(Oh and also?  NO WAY IN HELL my ring was $2800, and if he did (which he didn’t) then they also should have told him to bend the fuck over because while I LOVED my ring – it was not a $2800 ring.  Not in this lifetime.)

Me:  One that you promptly took back indicating it was never mine to begin with.

Him:  Once you made it clear your duty as a wife is to become your mother, I took it back as soon as possible.

(OH NO YOU DI’INT)

Me:  I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS,  we are just hurting each other more & more.  I am sorry for my part and I did have a part in this,  I never wanted to hurt you – you mean everything to me.  Please stop being so mean – I am not as strong as you are.

Him:  And Paul doesn’t even have a wood splitter!  How could you possibly think anything you are saying is a remote possibility?

(Ok, now scroll back up to his text where he says specifically that he fixed windows on wednesday and the wood cutter was Thursday and Friday.   NOW there IS NO WOOD CUTTER?  I mean, seriously.  How have I not lost my mind?)

He then called me and proceeded to talk OVER me for like 15 minutes before I finally hung up on him.

Him:  I have a full time job now, and have been bringing in more money than you for months.

(I don’t even know where he comes up with this stuff anymore.  He has brought in MAYBE $500 over the last 2 months.  Maybe.  That’s generous.  And he honestly believes the things he saying – how can you argue with someone so delusional??????? Oh and also?  He has a FT job for THE WEEK remodeling someone’s basement.)

Me:  Ok, you win.  Congratulations.

Him:  You got what you wanted in the first place so I think you win.

Me:  No, we are not happy together, in your mind I have made your life awful and have been nothing but a burden.  At least it’s one you don’t have to deal with now.  I may always have a place in your heart, but you’ll always have all of mine.

Him:  So in other words, now I’m an asshole for telling you the truth.

That was all I could take.  About 90% of the entire conversation was the complete opposite of the truth.  The problem is that he honestly believes the things he said and I just don’t know what to do with that.  I can’t defend myself from the lies, he doesn’t believe them to be lies.  I can’t even get so much as an apology, or regret over our demise – because he honestly believes it’s all my fault.

It is so unbelievably frustrating, I can’t begin to even describe it.  I wanted to keep this documented so that when I have those days when I miss him, I can come here and read this and SMACK MYSELF BACK INTO REALITY.

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3 thoughts on “Things He’s Said

  1. Nicole says:

    I can’t begin to know how frustrated you are, however I did go through a similar situation with my best girlfriend – and actually while reading this, I could have sworn I was reading her life story. I guess if you need to find a silver lining in any of this mess, it’s that this conversation you had with him should have definitely reaffirmed that you are making the right decision. Unfortunately that doesn’t help ease the pain and frustration any. You can’t argue with dillusioins – you will literally drive yourself insane trying. The best thing you can do for yourself is know your personal truth, and let him move on with his. You can only accept the responsibility you have, and heal from there. The reality is, even if he DID apologize for the things he’ done, or didn’t do – it really wouldn’t change things. It’s unfortunate that he can’t have a grownup conversation. Hang in there. You are so obviously strong!!

    • juiceboxbaby says:

      It feels like I AM losing my mind….his conviction of his delusion is so strong that it makes me question whether or not I’m at least missing something. I mean you can see that I continuously tell him I love him and I’m sorry for MY part of things, and he just continuously slams me over & over and honestly thinks this entire thing is my fault. His lack of taking responsibility for his (very major) part in this is DRIVING ME CRAZY.

      I know you’re right – there’s nothing I can do about it and I need to let it go. But the thought of him honestly believing that the fault for our demise lies with me is INFURIATING.

      I guess a part of me was hoping he would see on his own that he has a drinking problem (during the phone conversation portion of last night, he had the nerve to say he only has like 3 beers a day, when in reality it is more like 3 an hour) and would seek help. A part of me was hoping it would be a “Losing you has helped me to see that I don’t want to choose alcohol over you and I want to quit completely and get help” situation. I don’t think he will EVER think he has a problem.

      And I know that’s not my problem anymore but, man, it hurts.

  2. Kathryn says:

    Wow, girl, this is really something. I can imagine just how much you’re hurting right now, but you definitely, definitely did the right thing. .

    What concerned me after reading all this wasn’t even the lies or the drinking (which, yeah, I don’t think I have to reiterate just how bad that is), but rather the name calling and the getting physical. I don’t know if this is the first time he’s ever done that, but if so, you know all too well that there’s a first time for everything. It’s good that you’re getting out now, girl. And it’s good that you’re seeing this side of him, because oh my god, what if it got worse? What if it got worse?

    As far as the drinking thing, from what I can tell he’s deeply in denial and is probably nowhere near ready to come out of it any time soon. We can want alcoholics to quit and want to help them until we’re blue in the face, but we all know that the only ones who can help them are themselves.

    It’s better to be alone than to be with someone like that, no matter how much you love him. Because someone like that will never truly put you first, the way it should be. Don’t start second guessing yourself, because you did the very best thing you could do for yourself. You did for you what he couldn’t, YOU put you first. And that’s right where you deserve to be.

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