Depression’s set in this weekend. I know it will pass, I know that it’s just one of those things that I have to deal with (have always had to on some level) but, oh God, does it suck. When you’re so “in your head” constantly, to feel it coming on, to know that it is behind all the turned-down invitations and the lack of motivation to do anything and not be able to just fight through it is…. well… ugh. When this happens, I disappoint people I love. I can’t muster the OOMPH to want to hang out or go shopping or socialize.
My best friend wanted to have me over for dinner tonight, a belated birthday dinner, and I just can’t. I just don’t WANT to, and I know that deep down – it’s not that I don’t WANT to, it’s the depression, but at the same time – it still takes the wheel and does my driving for me. I don’t want to force myself to go, I don’t want to force a smile on my face that does NOT want to be there – a smile that would only be there for everyone else. It’s too much, too exhausting.
So I sit in my room and watch mindless TV. Hours upon hours upon hours of mindless TV. It took every bit of energy to jump in the shower today, something I haven’t done since Thursday, and the main reason I did it at all is so as not to cause concern. I don’t want anyone to worry about me – it’s not that serious and I know it will pass. So I put on the smile when I have to. And I shower when I have to.
And I pretend and pretend and pretend that everything’s ok.