Pain

Just because I am the one who decided “Enough is enough” and put the final nail in the coffin that our relationship has become, please do not assume that this is easy or that I am by any means OK.

I think at first, in that first week, I was so angry over how it all went down, that I was incapable of feeling anything other than that.  I was so upset, and was feeling such relief after a couple months of my life being in virtual upheaval to be back in the safety of my parents’ home, that I wasn’t prepared for the inevitable.

The pain.

Please do not mistake this post for a preamble to us getting back together.  That is NOT where I am headed with this.  And I know that a certain amount of what I’m feeling is completely NORMAL in the grieving process.  Anger, hurt, guilt, pain, etc.., etc.., Been there, done that, have 50 t-shirts, thank you very much.

But, oh God, the pain.  This, I was not prepared for.

I am 100% sure that I made the right decision.  I continuously tell myself that it is better to be miserable without him than miserable with him.  But when does misery not factor in to the equation at all?

We were ENGAGED.  Perfect he was NOT, but he was my best friend and his absence is palpable.  Make no mistake about it – I was ready to marry this man.  I had already prepared my vows, I had already resolved in my heart that I was going to spend forever with him.  With every fiber of my being, I loved and continue to love him, and that doesn’t just go away.  And, so, being apart not only hurts my heart, but it PHYSICALLY hurts.  When something happens during the day, I want to call him.  Every song has some sort of meaning, there’s not too many things on TV that we didn’t watch together and have some sort of inside jokes about (hell, even the things we DIDN’T watch together remind me of how he’d make fun of my love of all things Jersey.  And Grey’s Anatomy.) He is the first thing in my head in the morning, he remains there the entirety of the day.  And forget about sleeping at night, when I am so used to him enveloping me in his arms for 7 hours.

And, I swear, if he were to stop drinking, I would take him back in a heartbeat.  But I will not suggest it.  I won’t place an ultimatum on him that will do no good unless HE wants it.  It won’t work and it would be temporary and it would only be for me if I were to say, “Stop drinking and we can be together!!”  It wouldn’t be REAL, and he’d end up failing – causing 100x more pain that we’re in now.  And it HURTS that he can’t come to this conclusion on his own.  He doesn’t see his drinking as being our problem (or a problem at all).  So what can you do?

On the other hand, he’s so masterful at twisting everything, that when I’m weak like I am this week, I start thinking about my part in the whole thing.  And I know (I KNOW!!) that this is what they do, this is part of the whole thing, and WHY do I fall victim to it EVERY FUCKING TIME when DEEP DOWN I know the truth?  (And that is NOT to say that I’m perfect and don’t have any fault in our demise…I have plenty – one being that he’s right that I’m never happy… and what an awful position it must be in to love someone whom you can never make happy?)

I almost wish he’d never given me a ring and made the engagement official.  That ring became so much a part of ME that EVERY TIME I glance down at my left hand, I am reminded of what was thrown away.  I truly, honestly feel something missing since removing it, it is the craziest feeling.  And I notice it’s absence, no kidding, a hundred times a day at least.  It is enough to drive someone crazy, and I am not far.

I continue to put on a happy face.  As far as I can tell, no one in “real life” realizes what a hard time I am having with this, how much I miss him, and just how much it feels as though there is a HOLE in the center of my chest.  And I know, someday it won’t feel like that anymore.

Someday the hole will be filled again.

But my GOD do I wish that day were right now.

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