33 Hours Opiate Free

I did it!

I took the last of my pain meds yesterday morning and went to the doctor today to get on the Suboxone.  By the time I went to bed last night I was already feeling withdrawal, so this morning was bad.  I had the tremors and aches, anxiety was awful, and of course the pain – OHHHH the pain.

Because you can’t take Suboxone if you’ve had opiates within 24-48 hours or it will send you into immediate (and the worst part of) withdrawal, they started me with a quarter of a strip that you put under your tongue and let it dissolve.

Other than slight nausea, I had no adverse reaction.  (MY BODY WAS JUST MADE FOR DRUGS, EH?  hahaha…addict joke….)

So I took another 1/4 of the strip and – BAM – no more withdrawal symptoms.  Within one hour of my doctor visit, I was no longer in withdrawal and now, 5 hours later – NOT ONE SIGN of withdrawal.

I can’t believe it you guys.  Normally by now, if it had been 33 hours without any pain meds – I can’t tell you the pain I’d be in already.  Granted, the stomach and digestive part of it wouldn’t have kicked in yet, but I would FOR SURE be ready to bite anyone’s head off that stepped in my way.

And now?  I couldn’t be better.  I cannot believe there is something so helpful out there for people with opiate addiction.  If you are one of them – SERIOUSLY – check out Suboxone.  It saved a friend of mine’s life, and probably saved mine as well.  The way I was taking pain meds (ok, let’s get real here – I was taking about 10-12 Percocets and about 10 Dilaudid’s a day) – I would have died eventually.  From liver damage, from overdose, from any number of things.  And that number would’ve kept increasing, since your tolerance builds so quickly.

I couldn’t be more grateful right now if I had a thousand dollars in front of me.

If you’re addicted to opiates, and are taking them for pleasure and not for pain, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE trust me – it is a road you do NOT want to go down.  I have done EVERY drug in the book.  My entire 20’s were spent doing various drugs of every kind.  I never had an issue walking away from any one of them.  Not cocaine, not weed, not alcohol.  But opiates?  They had a hold on me that nothing ever has before.

And I know…I’m not CURED.  Suboxone in itself is a narcotic so it’s not like I’m completely free of any drug but….1 Suboxone compared to 20 Percocets/Dilaudids a day??  Major, major difference.

I’m about to leave for my first NA meeting.  I’ll write more later.

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New Beginnings

So, I did it.  After about 50 calls to different doctors today, I finally found one that prescribes Suboxone (the methodone equivalent for heroin addicts, but for opiate addicts) and is actually accepting patients.

And because I took the last of my pain meds today, withdrawal has already started, and the doctor can see me in the morning to get me going on the Suboxone immediately.

I’m so scared of so  many things.  What if it doesn’t work?  What if the pain that will surely return is unbearable?  I am going to have to follow an NA program, for opiate addiction, which means I need to change every  single thing about my life: people, places and things.  And – for people who are married or who have friends that don’t drink or do drugs – this isn’t such a problem.  Such is not the case for me.  All my friends use or drink.

I am literally starting completely over.  I will be living a sober life for the first time since……um….. high school?  I mean, minus brief breaks in between but for most of my life some sort of substance and/or addiction has been involved: alcohol, weed, cocaine, acid, X, prescription meds, food, love.  I even tried heroin once and THANK GOD I didn’t like it.

I have to go to NA meetings and counseling and group therapy.  I have to join all kinds of programs and be SERIOUS about it this time and not just do it to appease someone or myself.  But to do it because I NEED to do it.  I NEED to experience substance free happiness.  I need to go back to church.  I need to reconnect to God in a way I can’t even describe.

I’ve been talking to Ray again over the last couple months.  Not getting back together, although we’ve discussed it, and every time I try to talk to him about me getting better, he doesn’t want to discuss it.   He even goes so far as to try to talk to me about how to MANAGE MY ADDICTIONS.  He doesn’t have my best interests at heart – if I stop doing drugs, then he knows I will have to cut him out of my life for good.  If I stop partying with him, he knows I’ll either want him to do the same or it will be over for good.  He’s perfectly content with me continuing to take pills to self medicate because, hell, I give some to him.

HE DOES NOT WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.  I need to really let this sink in once and for all that he is NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.  I think HE even realizes this and so he’s just avoiding the inevitable.

I was meant for something special in this world, and this world of drugs and alcohol and the people in it are not meant to be a part of it.

I am scared to death.

I am planning on writing more often, I think I’m going to need to in order to document this process, this road I’m about to travel….the one WAY less traveled.  Wish me luck.

But I said No, No, No

Help.  That’s about the only thing I can come up with when I think about what I need.  Help.

Help with money.

Help with work.

Help saying no.

Help to stop taking so many pain meds.

Help to learn how to FINALLY be happy, not the temporary, euphoric kind – but the deep-seeded, general feeling of well being.  Preferably not with the help of Prozac, although I am back on that in anticipation of coming of off opiates I have been on for years now.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever witnessed the withdrawal of someone who has a problem with opiates but…it is not pretty.  It is vomiting and diareah and an overall sense of wanting to die.  It is pins and needles constantly and night sweats.  It is no sleep and the worst stomach cramps you can imagine.  Like – the kind that have you on your knees praying to please just make them go away.

Thing is, I’ve been on 2 very strong (we’re not just talking about Vicodin’s here folks) pain meds for a very long time, and I can no longer take them as prescribed because A) taking them as prescribed no longer works and B) when I end up then SHORT at the end of what is supposed to last a month, I spend money I don’t have in order to avoid said withdrawal.  I am at the level that the withdrawals start after about 24 hours of not taking anything.  They can last up to 2 weeks, but by day 4 you’re pretty much praying for death.

Opiate addiction is no joke, ya’ll.  Had I known then what I know now, I may possibly have opted for the pain.

And that’s the other issue.  Say I’m successful in going off of the pain meds….  I suffer from permanent nerve damage in my neck, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Which basically means I am in pain.  All the time.  Debilitating pain.  So then what?

Seriously.  Then what?

Depression is worse than ever, despite the Prozac prescription.  It’s to the point that I turn down any opportunity to do just about anything with anyone.  I have to FORCE myself to go to work (and I know most people do but this is a LITERAL forcing out of bed, forcing into the shower, forcing to do the commute, forcing to walk into the building and put on the face that everything is OK when EVERYTHING IS NOT OK.

Every doctor I have tells me I will need in patient treatment to come off the pain meds.  Because of my blood pressure issues, the vomiting and digestive issues that withdrawal causes – could dehydrate me rather quickly and cause the plummeting blood pressure we all know I have issue with already.  So without being under constant supervision, it is LIFE THREATENING.

Only…hahahah on me…I CAN’T do inpatient treatment.  I have a puppy and bills to pay (including the one FOR said puppy), my dad was laid off so my parents need my rent money more than they have previously, I have a student loan that they’re deducting for, not to mention a killer job that I happen to love and that I don’t want to risk losing.

So, please, someone – anyone, offer me some advice.  Any words of wisdom that will ease my troubled soul, mind, heart, spirit, body.  Anything at all.