But I said No, No, No

Help.  That’s about the only thing I can come up with when I think about what I need.  Help.

Help with money.

Help with work.

Help saying no.

Help to stop taking so many pain meds.

Help to learn how to FINALLY be happy, not the temporary, euphoric kind – but the deep-seeded, general feeling of well being.  Preferably not with the help of Prozac, although I am back on that in anticipation of coming of off opiates I have been on for years now.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever witnessed the withdrawal of someone who has a problem with opiates but…it is not pretty.  It is vomiting and diareah and an overall sense of wanting to die.  It is pins and needles constantly and night sweats.  It is no sleep and the worst stomach cramps you can imagine.  Like – the kind that have you on your knees praying to please just make them go away.

Thing is, I’ve been on 2 very strong (we’re not just talking about Vicodin’s here folks) pain meds for a very long time, and I can no longer take them as prescribed because A) taking them as prescribed no longer works and B) when I end up then SHORT at the end of what is supposed to last a month, I spend money I don’t have in order to avoid said withdrawal.  I am at the level that the withdrawals start after about 24 hours of not taking anything.  They can last up to 2 weeks, but by day 4 you’re pretty much praying for death.

Opiate addiction is no joke, ya’ll.  Had I known then what I know now, I may possibly have opted for the pain.

And that’s the other issue.  Say I’m successful in going off of the pain meds….  I suffer from permanent nerve damage in my neck, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Which basically means I am in pain.  All the time.  Debilitating pain.  So then what?

Seriously.  Then what?

Depression is worse than ever, despite the Prozac prescription.  It’s to the point that I turn down any opportunity to do just about anything with anyone.  I have to FORCE myself to go to work (and I know most people do but this is a LITERAL forcing out of bed, forcing into the shower, forcing to do the commute, forcing to walk into the building and put on the face that everything is OK when EVERYTHING IS NOT OK.

Every doctor I have tells me I will need in patient treatment to come off the pain meds.  Because of my blood pressure issues, the vomiting and digestive issues that withdrawal causes – could dehydrate me rather quickly and cause the plummeting blood pressure we all know I have issue with already.  So without being under constant supervision, it is LIFE THREATENING.

Only…hahahah on me…I CAN’T do inpatient treatment.  I have a puppy and bills to pay (including the one FOR said puppy), my dad was laid off so my parents need my rent money more than they have previously, I have a student loan that they’re deducting for, not to mention a killer job that I happen to love and that I don’t want to risk losing.

So, please, someone – anyone, offer me some advice.  Any words of wisdom that will ease my troubled soul, mind, heart, spirit, body.  Anything at all.

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