So, I did it. After about 50 calls to different doctors today, I finally found one that prescribes Suboxone (the methodone equivalent for heroin addicts, but for opiate addicts) and is actually accepting patients.
And because I took the last of my pain meds today, withdrawal has already started, and the doctor can see me in the morning to get me going on the Suboxone immediately.
I’m so scared of so many things. What if it doesn’t work? What if the pain that will surely return is unbearable? I am going to have to follow an NA program, for opiate addiction, which means I need to change every single thing about my life: people, places and things. And – for people who are married or who have friends that don’t drink or do drugs – this isn’t such a problem. Such is not the case for me. All my friends use or drink.
I am literally starting completely over. I will be living a sober life for the first time since……um….. high school? I mean, minus brief breaks in between but for most of my life some sort of substance and/or addiction has been involved: alcohol, weed, cocaine, acid, X, prescription meds, food, love. I even tried heroin once and THANK GOD I didn’t like it.
I have to go to NA meetings and counseling and group therapy. I have to join all kinds of programs and be SERIOUS about it this time and not just do it to appease someone or myself. But to do it because I NEED to do it. I NEED to experience substance free happiness. I need to go back to church. I need to reconnect to God in a way I can’t even describe.
I’ve been talking to Ray again over the last couple months. Not getting back together, although we’ve discussed it, and every time I try to talk to him about me getting better, he doesn’t want to discuss it. He even goes so far as to try to talk to me about how to MANAGE MY ADDICTIONS. He doesn’t have my best interests at heart – if I stop doing drugs, then he knows I will have to cut him out of my life for good. If I stop partying with him, he knows I’ll either want him to do the same or it will be over for good. He’s perfectly content with me continuing to take pills to self medicate because, hell, I give some to him.
HE DOES NOT WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR ME. I need to really let this sink in once and for all that he is NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR ME. I think HE even realizes this and so he’s just avoiding the inevitable.
I was meant for something special in this world, and this world of drugs and alcohol and the people in it are not meant to be a part of it.
I am scared to death.
I am planning on writing more often, I think I’m going to need to in order to document this process, this road I’m about to travel….the one WAY less traveled. Wish me luck.