Addendum to the New Post Below

I hate him for what he did to me.  For all the obvious reasons (the metal plate in my neck, the constant fear of confrontation, the consistent need to be a doormat, etc..) but for the non obvious as well:  the nightmares, the constant *UNRATIONAL* fear of running into him, the problems with trust I have with…..anyone.  Since I left him and went into hiding and began the REAL self medicating, yes – I have still suffered from some PTSD symptoms, but nothing like what I’m going thru now.  Whereas I was beginning to rarely think about him anymore, he is ALWAYS THERE now.  This is why I say if I could have that procedure done from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” I would do it IN A HEARTBEAT. 

I wish I could put even a fraction of fear into him that he did to me daily.  I wish I could make him fear his life once a month (or the lives of HIS friends/family).  I wish I could permanently hurt him emotionally the way he’s done me.  I wish he never existed.

I became a completely different person as a result of what he did to me.  The man I supposedly loved who beat me and threw me down stairs and held knives to my throat, bashed my head into nightstands, raped me repeatedly. 

Once a friendly extrovert, very outgoing…unless I’m drunk I don’t really socialize anymore.  Once had hope and goals and a desire to move upwards and onwards and it’s FUCKING GONE.

I don’t forsee it coming back….it’s been over 5 years and it IS GETTING WORSE.

And every day I get to look at the scar on the front of my neck from where they had to operate on my SPINE because of him, and live with excruciating pain and it is just ONE CONSTANT FUCKING REMINDER OF THE HELL I WENT THRU. 

I can’t do this you guys…….I’m telling you right now, I am broken and I don’t see any way back.

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