Ho Hum

I’m on Short Term Disability from work. Turns out, 4 years on opiates stops or slows down the natural process of your brain producing seratonin, so coming off of them has caused quite the bipolar manic depressive. I’ve always suffered from depression, but nothing like this. I’ve been suicidal on & off (wouldn’t follow thru no worries…just the fact that I sort of WISH I’d just get in a horrific accident or a freak neck break down the stairs or…how about I pull my car in the garage, shut the garage door and just…don’t turn the car off types of thoughts are scary. I have to force myself out of bed, I have NO friends left – as in the ones I hung out with regularly….not that they were ended or that we’re UNfriendly, I just have no desire to talk or go out & do things, or hang out anymore.

The nightmares are back in full swing. I dream about Chuck every night, and wake up sobbing throughout the night out of fear, sadness, etc..etc…etc.. it amazes me just how much he can still affect me 5+ years later, and without even trying.

Long story short, I’m not well. Doctor has me on 2 anti depressants and Xanax and they do NOTHING, so I have to go see a psychiatrist Thursday.

I haven’t taken an opiate in about a month & 2 weeks, and while I’m not tempted too, I can’t lie and say that if this is what life is like NOT self medicating that I’m okay with it. If I don’t go back to pills, what will take it’s place because life sober without any way to medicate my brain and not be so miserable and hopeless constantly is NOT a place I will stay.

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