2 Steps Forward, 194 Back

You may remember a few posts back, where I went on & on about my new guy and how great things were going.

And they were. They were going really well. Too well, one might say. From our first date he “claimed me” off the market, our connection was palpable immediately. We went from dating to almost married (not literally, just as far as comfortability) within the span of a couple months. Hindsight being 20/20, I guess it was too fast.

He lost his job due to some (already preexisting) problems with his boss. They got into it, his boss let him go. He called me on his way home, said if I wanted to come over, to please feel free. Immediately I was comforting, I told him we’d work thru it, I told him he’d get thru it – I was supportive and optimistic and everything he needed.

He owned his home and lots of “boy toys” including a corvette, a nice pickup truck, 4 wheelers, he had very nice things. When he and his wife divorced last year, he bought her out of her half of the house rather than selling it, so the plethora of changes their 2 children would go thru, losing the only home they’d ever known would not be one of them.

I am SURE he was stressed. He didn’t let on that he was stressed. I mean, he definitely knew he needed to find something else right away, but never indicated that he was concerned or scared or whatever.

During the time we were together, he spent a fair amount of money on me. We did lots of eating out, ordering in, going to the races for his racecar (which was expensive), going out, etc.., but never at MY recommendation. It was always his suggestions, he knew me being off work on medical leave, my finances were – challenging. I was perfectly fine with cooking him dinner (which I did 3-4 nights a week – I’d cook dinner at my house and BRING it to his house for him when he got home from work so it was one less thing he’d have to do…) and watching movies or sports on TV at night.

He introduced me to his kids, I was the first woman that happened with. His son is 9, daughter is 3…they both seemed to like me (especially the daughter) and there were no weird issues there (other than HIM feeling a little strange, which I completely get as I feel the same when I introduce someone to Haley).

So, perhaps you’ll be as perplexed as I was when, a few days after he lost his job – he just stopped calling. He blocked me on Facebook, didn’t return texts or calls. It was as if he just dropped off the face of the earth.

Now, had we just been on a few dates and this happened – whatever – no big deal. Hell, I’ve played the disappearing act in those circumstances a few times. But we were TOGETHER. It was official, we were a couple in the beginning of a relationship and he just completely blew me off without so much as a “this isn’t working”.

Now, I’m friends with his cousin on FB, and she was just as surprised as I was about this. At first, we were both concerned about his wellbeing….what if he was in a car accident, what if there was a home invasion, WHO KNOWS? She suggested I stop by his house, living only a few minutes away, but if he really was blowing me off (as the FB block indicated to me) then I AM NOT THAT GIRL. She attempted to reach him and also could not, was met with unreturned calls, etc..,

So she turned to her brother, whom he is very close with and her brother confirmed he’s fine – he’d just talked to him as a matter of fact.

Nice.

So, whatever, I got blown off – didn’t know why but – sometimes these things happen. It hurt, I’ll admit it. I found him sexy as hell, I liked SO MANY things about him, I saw a future with him. He helped me to get past the whole Ray thing (I’d been on a few other dates with a few other people and no one could get me to get RAY out of my head but Scott….) but – you know – it was only a couple months, not 10 years so – onward & upward and all that.

His cousin and I remained friends. We texted here & there, communicated often on FB (rarely about him…) and decided we were going to remain friends regardless.

Now that it’s been a couple months, I sent her a message a couple days ago and said “Hey, no details needed but…just wanted to check with you & see how Scott’s doing, make sure he’s ok….?” to which she responded that she really hadn’t talked to him much but was going to her brother’s house that night and would casually bring it up and see what she could find out, all incognito & whatnot.

I have a thing on my FB that shows who I have either defriended or blocked, or who has done the same to me – and today? SHE DEFRIENDED ME!!!!

I literally have NO CLUE what I did to deserve this. From him, losing his job, freaking out over how close we were getting, WHATEVER his reasoning was – whatever. But now for HER to cut off communication too has me thinking that there’s obviously SOMETHING there that they are thinking about me that I have no idea about (I did NOTHING wrong in the relationship….that I know of…) and it’s driving me insane wondering what the hell it could possibly be.

She is NOT the type of girl that he could say “I don’t want you to be friends with her anymore so stop it.” and have her listen to him, so I know FOR SURE that wasn’t it. So WTF???

I know – bygones – what’s done is done and sometimes people come in and leave your life for reasons you never end up knowing, but it hurts to put your all into something and then be treated with such disrespect that I don’t even get so much as a “See ya!”

Anyhow, so that’s what happened with that Scott.

And I say “that” Scott because a week after all this happened, another Scott friend of mine (whom I’ve known a couple years and he’s always sorta had a little thing for me) expressed his interest and didn’t want to wait and have me “snatched up” like 1st Scott did right after me & Ray split and lose out on his chance again.

Now, 2nd Scott is a little older. He’s 54. The last time this happened was CHUCK and, well, those who know me know how well THAT turned out but…I actually really like older men. They don’t play the games the younger (and by younger, I even include men in their upper 30’s) play and they are just, well, a lot better in, um, different areas as well. Experience and whatnot, shut up.

*Ahem*

Thing is, I don’t feel too much more than friendship with 2nd Scott, and I never have. We’ve always had a really great friendship – him hoping it’d turn into much more, and I’ve tried for the last 2 months to see if it would but it isn’t. I’m not ATTRACTED to him is the problem. He’s the greatest guy. We laugh and talk and he’s sweet and would treat me like a QUEEN, and I just don’t find him attractive.

But on the other hand, this is kinda working for me. After having my heart broken by Ray choosing drugs over me, and then having my heart broken by 1st Scott for WHO KNOWS WHAT, it’s kind of nice not to be emotionally invested whatsoever in this relationship. My heart is safe.

Thing is – is it fair to him? We haven’t discussed where we’re going, no promises for the future have been made, no declarations of how I feel have been said. I know he’s hopeful though and – if there’s no future then – what’s the point? But…still. Maybe this is what I need is a non-emotionally invested relationship for a little bit?

Advice please.

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15 thoughts on “2 Steps Forward, 194 Back

  1. juiceboxbaby says:

    I think I’m one of those women who’s just destined to be a serial dater for the rest of my life. I don’t want (and can’t have) more children (and am too old for that shit anyway) so – why get married? The problem I have is not letting myself get too emotionally invested, or at least, not HURT once it’s over. I used to think “When it’s not fun anymore, it’s done.” and I need that girl back again.

  2. Kathryn says:

    Guys do it all the time. So why can’t women? I call double-standard bullshit on that. My advice, you do what makes YOU happy. Everything else is just secondary.

    • juiceboxbaby says:

      I dunno…women have more of a conscience than men do so….while he’s (I’m sure) falling madly in love with me (haha) – – I’m just waiting for the next best thing. Someone like #1 Scott (or Ray) that made my heart pitter patter. But without the bullshit.

      • Kathryn says:

        I’m the wrong person to give you advice, I think, cause I’m thinking all “yeah, and?” Lol… Seriously though, do you feel like you’re using him? Or do you generally like the guy and enjoy spending time with him? If you answer the former, then I think you should move on, because, in all honesty, it’s not fair. But if your answer is the latter, I don’t see anything wrong with that. As long as no expectations have been set, what’s the harm?

        There’s no way you can get passed the attraction thing? I know that’s a hard thing to do, but if he’s a good guy and treats you well….I dunno. How’s his sense of humor? Does he make you laugh?

      • juiceboxbaby says:

        We laugh constantly, he’s the sweetest guy – would do ANYTHING for me. He puts me up on a very undeserved pedestal….I just can’t get past the attraction thing…

      • Kathryn says:

        This comment looks like it’s going to end up on top of the others, but it’s the only place it’s allowing me to reply (there’s not “reply” button on yor latest reply…weird) ANYHOODLES…

        If you can’t get past the attraction thing, and don’t think you can ever get past it, then maybe it’s just better if you stress to him that you should remain friends. Especially if he’s that into you, it’s kind of not fair to give him false hope. And that’s probably what he’s got right now since you’ve been spending time together. I know you’re not giving it to him intentionally, but it’s there all the same. I guess you have to look at it from the “other shoe” scenario; would you want it done to you?

      • Kathryn says:

        Okay, so it went in the right spot. Shut up. Lol…

  3. Kathryn says:

    Also? OMG WTF with that Scott guy? Fucking men. Seriously, FUCK. HEADS. I have NO desire to deal with that shit. I am very happy in my no-men zone!

    • juiceboxbaby says:

      I know!! And we were friends for 25 years, he was my first kiss…. I texted him and said “Ya know, if you just weren’t feelin’ it….or WHATEVER…we could have still been friends, the way you went about this – I can’t even BELIEVE…. at least let me know you’re ok and not dead….” and – – – NOTHING!!

      • Kathryn says:

        Wow. That is beyond…just…everything. Obviously he’s completely lacking in the maturity department. And I certainly hope someone else is teaching his son how to be a man. Because he sure doesn’t know how to be one. Unbelievable.

  4. juiceboxbaby says:

    He had to have heard something, or had some preconceived notion about something or whatever that wasn’t true and believed it and rather than discuss it with me, just ran off. That’s all I can think of – we have a ton of mutual friends, I just wonder if someone that isn’t a “juicebox” fan decided to put a kink in things somehow or…..WHO KNOWS, ya know? I’ve driven myself crazy with possibilities. My mom said men get weird when they lose their jobs and can’t “provide” any longer but….we had many many conversations about how I’m perfectly happy doing the stay at home thing and not spending a dime. My dad said maybe he and his wife decided to work things out seeing how hard it was to do it on their own (they had a 1 week on/1 week off custody arrangement which is tough)….. but either way – these are things that you can easily discuss with someone who is pretty passive and understanding and he knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have freaked out no matter what the reasoning was so plain & simple it was just him being an asshole. And that should be good enough explanation – good riddance – and yet, somehow I STILL WANT TO FUCKING KNOW.

    • juiceboxbaby says:

      Perhaps I’m just toxic and bad for people and he somehow thought that me coming into his life caused strife on some level or another (aka – losing his job even though it had nothing directly to do with me).

      I’m not saying this so people will say “NO you are NOT TOXIC” – – I could provide PLENTY of instances for MANY people where this could be the answer.

      Perhaps I should just hermit and go to work and home and stay away from people altogether. And believe me, I’m almost there.

      • Kathryn says:

        You’ve had some serious issues in your life, Cheri, of that there’s not doubt, but I don’t think you’re TOXIC and from what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like it was anything you did inside of the relationship that was the problem. And if by some long shot he blames you (indirectly) for losing his job, well, then he isn’t the kind of guy I think you’d want to be with for the long haul anyway. I’m more apt to believe he got some kind of second hand information about you from someone and decided it was too much for him to deal with. Which, if that’s the case, he still could have sent you – at the very least – a “Dear Jane” text or something. But even beyond that, to not even give you the benefit of the doubt and confront you about it? So wrong on SO many levels.

        I’ve pretty much “hermitted” myself. There aren’t too many people I like anymore and frankly, I just don’t have the desire to put up with the endless drama and bullshit. I’m too old for that crap and I have much more important things to focus on. I’ve got the (very) few close friends I CHOOSE to have in my life, my family, and most importantly, my son. That is ALL I need. Well, that and a job, lol…

    • Kathryn says:

      This is the first thing that popped into my head as I read this, so I have to ask…does he know Jill?

      • juiceboxbaby says:

        LOL – he does NOT know Jill….since we’re from Waukegan it was one of the first things I asked him. He said the name sounded familiar but that was it. But he and I both have a lot of mutual friends with HER as well so…WHO KNOWS?? That’s the part that kills me the most is the not knowing. I think I could’ve handled any reasoning he had for not wanting to continue our relationship (unless it was an out & out lie or whatever) but when things were going so well, to just blow me off is just infuriating. But – it is what it is, right?

        And, yeah, the hermiting thing…other than #2 Scott, I don’t hang out with anyone anymore. I talk to people (mostly on FB) and text a few here & there in real life but I have literally cut 99.9% of people out of my life. Mostly because I just don’t have the energy for friends anymore, I have no desire to deal with any of it…nevermind the DRAMA and bullshit but even just the every day stuff. Depression, I’m sure, has a lot to do with it but I’d rather stay home and watch movies/TV than go to a bar and be stupid, and that is what most of my friends still do. I’m not saying I’m not up for that occasionally, because from time to time I still do meet up with people for drinks (not like we used to) but…. for the most part I’ll take my yoga pants, a big comfy t-shirt and the TV to pretty much any actual PERSON. I’ve been called selfish for this….I turn down just about every invite to do anything at all, even from family and rather than look at it as something being wrong with me, they just think I’m selfish and only thinking of myself. When really – I just don’t want to get out of bed.

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