Recovery

If you’re here, you know I am a recovering opiate addict.  I’m about 8 months clean of Vicodin, Norco, Percocet and Dilaudid – an opiate cocktail I’m lucky did not kill me, and coming off them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Harder than what I went thru with my year long abuse with Chuck.  Harder than dealing with sexual abuse, harder than living every day feeling like you’re not good enough for no apparent reason other than just being on earth.

When you add to that that I am still in excruciating pain every day, only now I can’t take anything for it – it makes it that much harder, life – I mean.

My dad recently celebrated a year sober from alcohol – a huge feat and one we are extraordinarily proud of him regarding. The thing is, for HIM – fighting his demons and not drinking anymore, there’s been palpable, obvious results.  He’s happier, he’s thinking clearer, he’s GLAD he quit drinking and you can see it in him.

I found out today from my mom that because I am not the same happy-go-lucky, everything is better person that he’s become in his sobriety with MY sobriety, he thinks I’m still taking pills.

You guys, you have NO idea how much this hurts.  I fight every single day with the pain I have to live with because *I* realized ON MY OWN what a problem to opiates I was developing and decided for myself to quit.  My doctors told me after  my spinal surgery that the nerve damage was so severe, I should be prepared to need to be medicated for the rest of my life.  I could STILL go to the doctor and go BACK on the opiates at any time AND I DON’T because I can’t take them as prescribed and I know this about myself.

I suffer from a wealth of health problems including depression, low blood pressure, asthma, etc.., and being on opiates not only helped my pain but made me happy (duh – that’s what opiates do is give you a sense of euphoria).  I have been miserable since coming off them, but the dependency on them, the financial hardships acquiring them put me thru, and the subsequent coming off of them were so horrific – I’m not even tempted to go back on them.  I would rather live in pain, every single day, than take another pain pill.

For my dad to not only think that I’m still taking them, but not talk to ME about that but rather discuss this behind my back….. oh, you guys….. I can’t tell you how upset this makes me.

Every single day is a battle for me, EVERY SINGLE DAY, the last thing I need is one of my parents against me.

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7 thoughts on “Recovery

  1. Kathryn says:

    Playing devil’s advocate here, I don’t think what you’re dad did as far as talking to you mom is wrong – necessarily. Parents talk about their kids behind their backs all the time, it’s just what they do. I don’t know that I would be upset to learn that, if I was having issues, my dad was talking to my mom about them. I think that’s just par for the course. Now, if I found out through, say, a friend of the family what was going on, then I’d probably be upset. But there has to be some expectation that parents are going to talk to each other about their kids. I mean, has Haley been privy to every conversation you’ve had with Hector about her?

    That all being said, I do think it’s unfair for your father to make assumptions about what’s going on in your life without giving you the benefit of the doubt, or the opportunity to talk about it. I personally think what your mother should have done was tell him to come talk to you about it. And if she has, and he hasn’t. well then, that would hurt me, too.

    As far as him believing you’re still taking drugs because you’re not recovering the same way he has done, well that’s just plain not right. First of all – and I’m no expert, here – but alcohol and drugs are completely different, so I don’t think it’s far out there to believe that the recovery is different. No two addicts are alike, so why would their recoveries be? Not only that, but you’re dealing with issues having nothing to do with addiction, so why he doesn’t think about those things, I don’t know. Especially the pain thing. If you’re dealing with a high amount of pain, then of course you’re not going to be Suzie Sunshine.

    Yeah, he totally needs to have a conversation with you.

    And now I will take my two cents elsewhere…

  2. Kathryn says:

    Um….you’re dad??? Good lord, I need to go to bed.

  3. Kathryn says:

    You mom??? Someone please call the grammar police on my ass!!

  4. juiceboxbaby says:

    I see what you’re saying about parents having conversations about their kids without the kids being privy… I do. But I think that pertains more to when they are KIDS, no? I’m almost 40 years old for God’s sake.

    I think just the fact that he thinks I’m still taking pain meds is what hurts the most, regardless of who he talks about it with, when it’s been such a HUGE thing to NOT take them. If that makes sense.

    • Kathryn says:

      No, that totally makes sense. And I would be hurt, too. Especially if it was just assumed and I wasn’t given the chance to defend or explain myself. Not that you should have to defend or explain yourself, but you know what I mean. But it definitely hurts when someone doesn’t believe in you, especially when you’ve worked so hard to get to where you’re at. Makes you feel like you have to work that much harder to prove yourself and that’s just not fair. Have you thought about confronting him?

      As far as the parent conversation thing, I don’t think so. We could be in our 50s and we’d still be their KIDS. Parents don’t stop being parents when we become adults and we don’t stop being their offspring. I think it’s just expected that for as long as they live, they’ll be talking about us behind our backs. I can only imagine what my parents say about me when I’m not around, lol…

  5. Cathy says:

    Wow. Of course that hurts. Here’s what I came to understand about my parents at one point along my journey. They’re so imperfect. They have their own baggage. They, like us, are the result of all the good, bad and ugly that happened to them along the way. They don’t MEAN to be mean… but they’re human.

    It’s sucky that he thinks that YOUR program should be a mirror image of HIS program. To me, that shows someone that hasn’t been in the program very long, and is convinced that they have it all figured out. I’m guessing that it was “easy” to quit (for him) and he really never had to deal with much withdrawal or other negative consequences of his addiction. I’m convinced that for most alcoholics, but not all, the addiction is not nearly as strong as other, more intense, substances. And as Kathryn mentions… OMG, you’re dealing with PAIN… DAILY. He never had to deal with that.

    My recommendation, if it makes any difference at all. Let it roll off your back. Let it go. Turn it over. If it comes right down to it, tell him to work his own program, and you’ll work yours. Don’t escalate. Don’t hold it against him. Live and let live. Be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and don’t let the bastards grind you down! “Illegitimi Non Carborundum!”. You know what you’re dealing with, and NOBODY else does. Lean on those you trust. The ones that believe in you. The others… well… _________________. (fill in the blank)

  6. juiceboxbaby says:

    You are so wise. Seriously.

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