If you’re here, you know I am a recovering opiate addict. I’m about 8 months clean of Vicodin, Norco, Percocet and Dilaudid – an opiate cocktail I’m lucky did not kill me, and coming off them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Harder than what I went thru with my year long abuse with Chuck. Harder than dealing with sexual abuse, harder than living every day feeling like you’re not good enough for no apparent reason other than just being on earth.
When you add to that that I am still in excruciating pain every day, only now I can’t take anything for it – it makes it that much harder, life – I mean.
My dad recently celebrated a year sober from alcohol – a huge feat and one we are extraordinarily proud of him regarding. The thing is, for HIM – fighting his demons and not drinking anymore, there’s been palpable, obvious results. He’s happier, he’s thinking clearer, he’s GLAD he quit drinking and you can see it in him.
I found out today from my mom that because I am not the same happy-go-lucky, everything is better person that he’s become in his sobriety with MY sobriety, he thinks I’m still taking pills.
You guys, you have NO idea how much this hurts. I fight every single day with the pain I have to live with because *I* realized ON MY OWN what a problem to opiates I was developing and decided for myself to quit. My doctors told me after my spinal surgery that the nerve damage was so severe, I should be prepared to need to be medicated for the rest of my life. I could STILL go to the doctor and go BACK on the opiates at any time AND I DON’T because I can’t take them as prescribed and I know this about myself.
I suffer from a wealth of health problems including depression, low blood pressure, asthma, etc.., and being on opiates not only helped my pain but made me happy (duh – that’s what opiates do is give you a sense of euphoria). I have been miserable since coming off them, but the dependency on them, the financial hardships acquiring them put me thru, and the subsequent coming off of them were so horrific – I’m not even tempted to go back on them. I would rather live in pain, every single day, than take another pain pill.
For my dad to not only think that I’m still taking them, but not talk to ME about that but rather discuss this behind my back….. oh, you guys….. I can’t tell you how upset this makes me.
Every single day is a battle for me, EVERY SINGLE DAY, the last thing I need is one of my parents against me.