No TItle Needed

“But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all of the scars will have scars, and that’s all I’ll be–one big scar of a love gone wrong.”
Amanda Grace, But I Love Him

 

I do not think I will ever be OK.  I’ve been hurt and done too much hurting for my soul to ever recover.

My doctor told me it’s quite possible that being on as many opiates for as long as I was, could have irrevocably changed my brain chemistry.  I may have made my brain so dependent on the euphoria that opiates bring that I will never produce seratonin the way a brain is supposed to produce seratonin – to the point that seratonin-producing drugs aren’t even working.

My dad thinks it’s a spiritual thing.  He’s a tried & true AA-er and true enough, AA saved his life.  God worked thru the people he’s met in AA in amazing ways, and for that I am grateful.

But I have an anger towards God.  I have been a mostly devout Christian (in that I believe in God & Jesus is His son and all the standard tenants Christianity touts..) most of my life and at some point (probably right around the time I started fearing for my life at the hands of someone I loved) resentment started growing.  Towards myself for not leaving – most definitely.  I take the brunt of responsibility for what happened to me, even moreso than the person who did what he did.  But on the other hand, I blame God on some for not protecting me.  That’s a promise in the Bible if I remember correctly – God’s protection.  And I KNOW, there are many, MANY people who’ve gone thru worse than I have, who say that it was God’s protection (and love and whatever) that brought them THRU it, but I don’t feel that either.  I don’t feel God’s presence AT ALL in my life anymore, and I’m sure that, too, is my doing.  I’m sure I’ve pushed Him out, given up, thrown in the towel that I even deserve His love or protection.  “They” say God never leaves you, that it’s you that leaves, and – so – I guess I’ve done that.

There’s so much sadness in my heart, and it is always there.  It may temporarily hide out on occasion, just long enough for me to wonder if maybe I’ve done my time and am absolved of all my wrongdoings.  And just when I think maybe there’s hope, maybe I do see that light – waaaaaay down there at the end of the tunnel, that sadness jumps back in and says “HAHA bitch, yeah RIGHT!”

The things that have transpired over the last 6-7 years have demolished me.  My soul is broken and I don’t see any way back.

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