Lights & Tunnels & Whatnot

Things have been going rather well for me as of late.  Hmmmm..imagine that, I get rid of the drug addicted, soul (and money and hope) sucking boyfriend/fiance and POOF!!  Things are actually looking up? Wow……you don’t say!!

Things with the new guy, Scott, are moving right along.  I think we’ve only been apart 1 day since our first date.  He’s got 2 kids, ages 9 and 4, and that’s definitely going to take some……getting used to patience. I’m the only woman they’ve met since their mom, and so the situation definitely calls for some finesse (?)

He still has yet to meet my daughter, which – – he’d better remember all my patience and finessing because…..whooooa boy is my 15 year old turning out to be a handful.  And she loved Ray (not knowing all the facts about him obvs) and honestly thought he was my soulmate, so introducing someone else into her life isn’t going to be all peaches & cream.  And Scott is SO different from Ray.

And of course there’s the other matter of his PIT BULL and my CHIHUAHUA pretty much hating each other and wanting to kill/mame each other.

So, yeah, it’s definitely not easy dating at 38 with kids and exes and dogs and whatnot.

But, ohhhh, is it awesome too.  I’ve had my fair share of guys that were not right for me.  And I have no idea if Scott is or isn’t “right for me”, but I’m enjoying the hell out of finding out.  When you’ve been with as many losers (no matter how great some of their qualities are/were, ultimately they were failing in life, no matter how I look at it) as I have, you grow to appreciate things like him getting up at 5:30am every day, without fail, to go to work, and him paying his bills and owning his own home and being a good father to his children.  We literally are in bed by 11pm at night, not out at the bars or up all night…he’s a hardworking man and, oooooo boy there is something to be said for that.

He makes me want to be better.  The 3 main relationships of my life, the men were completely fine with status quo.  Of course, I was the one doing most of the work and supporting, so why wouldn’t they be fine with that but – still – they didn’t challenge me in any way and since I was so busy just trying to maintain, I had no ability to look BEYOND.  It’s different with Scott, and the only way I can describe it is the way I did above: he makes me want to be better.

Of course, my meds are (for the most part) sorted out and that could have a huge part of me feeling “better” than I have for a long time.  But I think it’s the combination of everything going on, me making better choices, the new man in my life, finally being on the right meds, eating better, exercising, choosing GOOD people to be in my life and not soul suckers that either want something from me or are perfectly content living whatever way they are instead of striving for something MORE, something BETTER.   I am soooo glad to have gotten rid of the Apryl’s and the Bryin’s and the Ray’s of my life, I can’t even put it into words.

So, yeah, an uplifting blog post for once………..I see the light ahead finally, after years in the dark.  And it’s awesome.

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And then there was you…

Im updating tgis from my cell, so it will be way more brief than an already future planned post but…I am at the tire store for the next hour and Im feeling the need to wax poetic about my new guy. Since we are friends on facebook, and this is fairly new, I just cant go into the details there that Id like to.

Scott and i have known each other fir 25-ish years, but only had one encounter in that time, despite going to the same high school, graduated same year and have about a bazillion mutual friends.

That ONE encounter 25 years ago, he was my first kiss.

Since then, we have been friends on FB and have had some minor online conversations here and there but last week i received a text from him, asking me out.
Now, having gone thru recent weight loss, he was one of many offers…but it was obly him i agreed to go out with. He intrigued me and, what the hell…i wanted to see if his kissing has improved.

We went out Saturday night, i almost cancelled about a thousand times but, oh, how glad i am that i didnt.

Youbsee, hes one of those rare breeds of men thats both manly (a master mechanic), sweet, funny, sexy as hell, and so sweet. Sooo sweet you guys, i get texts thruout the day while hes at work about how awesome ‘this’ is and how he cant get me off his mind.

Saturdays date went perfectly. So much so, we spent Sunday from 10am to 10pm together, along with last night (ok bitches, last nigjt i spent the night….i cant keep that from you).

He is hard working, responsible man and father of 2. And not just a weekend dad, he has them every other week. He owns a beautiful (and immaculate) home, 2 garages for a total of 5 cars (one of which houses his race car, a CORVETTE) and all the bells n whitles that make his place super comfy and fun. And you all know, money doesnt mean a whole lot to me (hell, last ex was a MUSICIAN) but to see this sexy man with his shit straight….it had its appeal for sure.

Perhaps best of all, hes not really a drinker and no drugs which, well, no words need to be said there for those who knew Ray.

As a matter of fact, hes the polar opposite of Ray in every way i need him to be and….my GOD, what i have been missing out on.

So, things are looking up in my world, im on cloud 9 at the moment. We both discussed how ‘right’ this feels for both of us and have decided to be exclusive. As a matter of fact, on our first date he told me he would be my last first date ever.

Who knows if thats true, they say when you know you just know and we are both definitely in that zone.

Oh, and he kisses like ive never been kissed before.

Well Played, Universe

So my last post went on and on about the asshole ex from 5+ years ago whom I haven’t heard either from nor about other than a frightening encounter a couple years ago, whereby he wrote my license plate number down on a piece of paper, waited until I got in my car (at a Walgreens), slammed his hand against my car window with the plate number in it and said “I’ll be seeing you soon.”

So, of course, OF COURSE writing about him was BOUND to bring him out of the woodwork on some level – such is my life.

Last week his cousin contacted me that his mom (whom I was close with) was about to die (literally any minute) and he asked his cousin to contact me to see if I would talk to him.

Um……

SERIOUSLY?

Of course, my answer was and always will be a resounding HELL to the MOTHERF-ING NO, but it started me thinking – what in the hell could he possibly even THINK he has to say to me?

I mean – seriously. His mom’s dying and he’s feeling….WHATEVER….and, what, thinks an apology will suffice?

He wants to see how I’ve been?

I mean, honestly, what could he possibly be thinking…that I’d WELCOME a conversation (about ANYTHING) with him on any level??

Anyhow, onward & upward, enough about him – enough time wasted.

Things have been not so great for me (some things I’ve shared, many I have not). I’ve been on medical leave from work for the last 5 and 1/2 weeks because everything was getting so…out of hand. The depression was back in full force, the coming off of opiates, stress, money problems, yada yada yada – you name it, and I’ve been going thru it.

Today’s my first day back at work, I was nervous about returning to my previous 60+ hour work weeks. Worried I was going to be treated differently, that my teammates and/or boss was going to be upset at me for being gone, worried that the workload was going to be out of this world.

I came back in and was overcome with hugs and “We’ve missed you”s and all that, but perhaps even better – my boss brought me into a meeting room to catch me up on things and shared that I will be getting a raise in a couple weeks. Um – REALLY?

This is good news for obvious reasons, but also just coming off of medical leave to hear that is even better.

Now that my nerves about returning have subsided, I am sensing a renewed lease on things again. Having literally and figuratively hit ROCK BOTTOM over the last few months, it’s time I start this life anew and make some VERY NEEDED changes. It’s time to get healthier and make good choices for myself. It’s me to start LIVING life and not let life suck me dry. It’s time to take the bull by the horns and fucking DO THIS already.

Whatever THIS is. I’m ready.

Addendum to the New Post Below

I hate him for what he did to me.  For all the obvious reasons (the metal plate in my neck, the constant fear of confrontation, the consistent need to be a doormat, etc..) but for the non obvious as well:  the nightmares, the constant *UNRATIONAL* fear of running into him, the problems with trust I have with…..anyone.  Since I left him and went into hiding and began the REAL self medicating, yes – I have still suffered from some PTSD symptoms, but nothing like what I’m going thru now.  Whereas I was beginning to rarely think about him anymore, he is ALWAYS THERE now.  This is why I say if I could have that procedure done from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” I would do it IN A HEARTBEAT. 

I wish I could put even a fraction of fear into him that he did to me daily.  I wish I could make him fear his life once a month (or the lives of HIS friends/family).  I wish I could permanently hurt him emotionally the way he’s done me.  I wish he never existed.

I became a completely different person as a result of what he did to me.  The man I supposedly loved who beat me and threw me down stairs and held knives to my throat, bashed my head into nightstands, raped me repeatedly. 

Once a friendly extrovert, very outgoing…unless I’m drunk I don’t really socialize anymore.  Once had hope and goals and a desire to move upwards and onwards and it’s FUCKING GONE.

I don’t forsee it coming back….it’s been over 5 years and it IS GETTING WORSE.

And every day I get to look at the scar on the front of my neck from where they had to operate on my SPINE because of him, and live with excruciating pain and it is just ONE CONSTANT FUCKING REMINDER OF THE HELL I WENT THRU. 

I can’t do this you guys…….I’m telling you right now, I am broken and I don’t see any way back.

Ho Hum

I’m on Short Term Disability from work. Turns out, 4 years on opiates stops or slows down the natural process of your brain producing seratonin, so coming off of them has caused quite the bipolar manic depressive. I’ve always suffered from depression, but nothing like this. I’ve been suicidal on & off (wouldn’t follow thru no worries…just the fact that I sort of WISH I’d just get in a horrific accident or a freak neck break down the stairs or…how about I pull my car in the garage, shut the garage door and just…don’t turn the car off types of thoughts are scary. I have to force myself out of bed, I have NO friends left – as in the ones I hung out with regularly….not that they were ended or that we’re UNfriendly, I just have no desire to talk or go out & do things, or hang out anymore.

The nightmares are back in full swing. I dream about Chuck every night, and wake up sobbing throughout the night out of fear, sadness, etc..etc…etc.. it amazes me just how much he can still affect me 5+ years later, and without even trying.

Long story short, I’m not well. Doctor has me on 2 anti depressants and Xanax and they do NOTHING, so I have to go see a psychiatrist Thursday.

I haven’t taken an opiate in about a month & 2 weeks, and while I’m not tempted too, I can’t lie and say that if this is what life is like NOT self medicating that I’m okay with it. If I don’t go back to pills, what will take it’s place because life sober without any way to medicate my brain and not be so miserable and hopeless constantly is NOT a place I will stay.

So when you’ve spent your life self medicating to keep from being in your own head (due to manic depression, due to childhood abuse, due to 38 years of basic awfulness and built up rage) and you make the choice to take away all forms of self medication, whether that be drugs, alcohol, friends, fiances, weed, opiates, etc., etc… what happens when you remember now why you started self medicating to begin with, only now you don’t HAVE any escape anymore, and you detest yourself (for no blatently apparent reason, just because that’s what abused children are taught is that they’re worthless) and you remember that you HATE being in your head, and as a matter of fact you’re damned miserable in life only NOW you alos don’t have the ability to forget about all THAT for even a brief moment.

Then what.

33 Hours Opiate Free

I did it!

I took the last of my pain meds yesterday morning and went to the doctor today to get on the Suboxone.  By the time I went to bed last night I was already feeling withdrawal, so this morning was bad.  I had the tremors and aches, anxiety was awful, and of course the pain – OHHHH the pain.

Because you can’t take Suboxone if you’ve had opiates within 24-48 hours or it will send you into immediate (and the worst part of) withdrawal, they started me with a quarter of a strip that you put under your tongue and let it dissolve.

Other than slight nausea, I had no adverse reaction.  (MY BODY WAS JUST MADE FOR DRUGS, EH?  hahaha…addict joke….)

So I took another 1/4 of the strip and – BAM – no more withdrawal symptoms.  Within one hour of my doctor visit, I was no longer in withdrawal and now, 5 hours later – NOT ONE SIGN of withdrawal.

I can’t believe it you guys.  Normally by now, if it had been 33 hours without any pain meds – I can’t tell you the pain I’d be in already.  Granted, the stomach and digestive part of it wouldn’t have kicked in yet, but I would FOR SURE be ready to bite anyone’s head off that stepped in my way.

And now?  I couldn’t be better.  I cannot believe there is something so helpful out there for people with opiate addiction.  If you are one of them – SERIOUSLY – check out Suboxone.  It saved a friend of mine’s life, and probably saved mine as well.  The way I was taking pain meds (ok, let’s get real here – I was taking about 10-12 Percocets and about 10 Dilaudid’s a day) – I would have died eventually.  From liver damage, from overdose, from any number of things.  And that number would’ve kept increasing, since your tolerance builds so quickly.

I couldn’t be more grateful right now if I had a thousand dollars in front of me.

If you’re addicted to opiates, and are taking them for pleasure and not for pain, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE trust me – it is a road you do NOT want to go down.  I have done EVERY drug in the book.  My entire 20’s were spent doing various drugs of every kind.  I never had an issue walking away from any one of them.  Not cocaine, not weed, not alcohol.  But opiates?  They had a hold on me that nothing ever has before.

And I know…I’m not CURED.  Suboxone in itself is a narcotic so it’s not like I’m completely free of any drug but….1 Suboxone compared to 20 Percocets/Dilaudids a day??  Major, major difference.

I’m about to leave for my first NA meeting.  I’ll write more later.