Addendum to the New Post Below

I hate him for what he did to me.  For all the obvious reasons (the metal plate in my neck, the constant fear of confrontation, the consistent need to be a doormat, etc..) but for the non obvious as well:  the nightmares, the constant *UNRATIONAL* fear of running into him, the problems with trust I have with…..anyone.  Since I left him and went into hiding and began the REAL self medicating, yes – I have still suffered from some PTSD symptoms, but nothing like what I’m going thru now.  Whereas I was beginning to rarely think about him anymore, he is ALWAYS THERE now.  This is why I say if I could have that procedure done from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” I would do it IN A HEARTBEAT. 

I wish I could put even a fraction of fear into him that he did to me daily.  I wish I could make him fear his life once a month (or the lives of HIS friends/family).  I wish I could permanently hurt him emotionally the way he’s done me.  I wish he never existed.

I became a completely different person as a result of what he did to me.  The man I supposedly loved who beat me and threw me down stairs and held knives to my throat, bashed my head into nightstands, raped me repeatedly. 

Once a friendly extrovert, very outgoing…unless I’m drunk I don’t really socialize anymore.  Once had hope and goals and a desire to move upwards and onwards and it’s FUCKING GONE.

I don’t forsee it coming back….it’s been over 5 years and it IS GETTING WORSE.

And every day I get to look at the scar on the front of my neck from where they had to operate on my SPINE because of him, and live with excruciating pain and it is just ONE CONSTANT FUCKING REMINDER OF THE HELL I WENT THRU. 

I can’t do this you guys…….I’m telling you right now, I am broken and I don’t see any way back.

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Ho Hum

I’m on Short Term Disability from work. Turns out, 4 years on opiates stops or slows down the natural process of your brain producing seratonin, so coming off of them has caused quite the bipolar manic depressive. I’ve always suffered from depression, but nothing like this. I’ve been suicidal on & off (wouldn’t follow thru no worries…just the fact that I sort of WISH I’d just get in a horrific accident or a freak neck break down the stairs or…how about I pull my car in the garage, shut the garage door and just…don’t turn the car off types of thoughts are scary. I have to force myself out of bed, I have NO friends left – as in the ones I hung out with regularly….not that they were ended or that we’re UNfriendly, I just have no desire to talk or go out & do things, or hang out anymore.

The nightmares are back in full swing. I dream about Chuck every night, and wake up sobbing throughout the night out of fear, sadness, etc..etc…etc.. it amazes me just how much he can still affect me 5+ years later, and without even trying.

Long story short, I’m not well. Doctor has me on 2 anti depressants and Xanax and they do NOTHING, so I have to go see a psychiatrist Thursday.

I haven’t taken an opiate in about a month & 2 weeks, and while I’m not tempted too, I can’t lie and say that if this is what life is like NOT self medicating that I’m okay with it. If I don’t go back to pills, what will take it’s place because life sober without any way to medicate my brain and not be so miserable and hopeless constantly is NOT a place I will stay.